Friday, 28 August 2020

It's done

 

My latest jigsaw puzzle. Finished.

Or not. Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed one piece - ONE! - missing.

Was I sold the puzzle incomplete? Or have I lost the piece whilst shuffling around the pieces during the last few weeks? Obviously the smart money is on the latter.

Do I now turn my house upside down in an effort to locate the 1,000th piece or will it by now have disappeared into the depths of my Dyson vacuum cleaner (which, funnily enough has been sounding a bit off lately)?

Blooming Paris. Blooming jigsaws.

UPDATE: Having searched every square inch of floor in my lounge, to no avail, I dismantled the Dyson in the hope that the errant piece might have found its way into its tubes. The bad news is that no jigsaw piece was found; the good news is that the Dyson is no longer sounding funny.

Wednesday, 26 August 2020

Full stops

 I'm told that Linguists believe that full stops have fallen out of fashion with young people because they 'signify an abrupt or angry tone of voice'

I'm definitely not angry

Does Generation Z feel intimidated Apparently so and they also dont use punctuation in their text messages. [Aargh! Delete that! Just kidding]

Is it the Americans that call full stops periods We have a different meaning for that

Are exclamation points open to misinterpretation [question mark deleted] Does that mean you are shouting Calm down

Wired.com [how to avoid the full stop in a URL] tells me "A semicolon in a text message is the equivalent of putting on makeup to go to the gym" I have no idea what that means

Is this what my mum used to say about minding my Ps and Qs (I always like to search for the derivation of obscure phrases but could find nothing definitive for this) [Are curly brackets punctuation If so I am not G Z friendly]

Adrian Mole had a go at understanding punctuation

"Pandora! / I adore ya / I implore ye / Don't ignore me."

James Joyce had this down to a fine art Molly Bloom's soliloquy in Ulysses counts out at a 3,687 word sentence So kids do streams of consciousness Ive heard my grandkids do that And some bloggers

Im glad Im not a teenager any more

U Turns

I play an old computer game Championship Manager 2001/02, known to its fans as CM0102. It's a clunky, enjoyable role playing game (RPG as video gamers know it) where you manage a football club. Ipswich Town might be in League One now but by tomorrow in my game they will have won the World Cup (that's a slightly patronising nod to my many football-hating readers, who don't know that clubs cannot win international tournaments).

Anyway, in each turn of the game it is possible to get News items to read. One of the most iconic is "....[club name] chairman says that ..... [manager's name] has the Board's full confidence." When you see this, you know that seven days later that manager will be sacked. The ultimate in U turns.

Politicians hate U turns but seem to indulge in them rather too often. "You turn if you want to.The lady's not for turning" said Margaret Thatcher; in that context - the UK economy - she stuck with it but later her party (after she had been ousted over the poll tax issue) made a U turn on the policy she had introduced.

In the US, U turns are called flip-flops, although to us Brits they are the most uncomfortable beach footwear you can imagine. In Australia and New Zealand, U turns are "backflips", which sound like the highest tariff dives possible. In Italy they probably call a flipflop a ciabatte infradito; I had one of those recently at the Britannia Inn. Delicious. The Spanish chanclas sounds less edible, more a percussion instrument.

I don't really go in for politics in this blog, so I am going to skip over the eleven U turns made by the UK government since 12 March. Tempting but...no, move on.

Why do U turns only take place "at the 11th hour"? In these times of 24 hour clocks, do our fellow Europeans U turn "at the 23rd hour"?

Is it a U turn to change your mind? Ashoka (304–232 BCE) was an Indian Emperor who ruled over a huge Indian Empire. He conquered Kalinga in a bitterly destructive war, in which thousands were slain. After seeing the slaughter he had caused, Ashoka embraced Buddhism and preached a new doctrine of non-violence, toleration and peace. 10/10 Ashoka.

U turns in the movies:

“- Jenny: You like Patsy Cline? I just love her. I wonder how come she don't put out no more new records.
- Bobby Cooper: Because she's dead.
- Jenny: Oh... that's sad. Don't that make you sad?
- Bobby Cooper: I've had time to get over it.” [Claire Danes and Sean Penn in Oliver Stone's movie "U Turn" of 1997]

I thought the Highway Code might have something to say about U turns but no. There is only "Just before U turn [sic], check for undertaking cyclists or motorcyclists". But U turns don't always need to be seen as negative. I'll give Indian writer Atul Chandra Sarkar the last word.

Squeeze the rose of my heart,
Each red drop,
Reflects you;
Split the oyster of my heart,
See the pearls,
Of our lovely moments;
The Great Bear in the sky
Of my heart are our,
Seven days spent together;
The scattered dandelions
Of my heart's garden relate,
My million wishes for you;
The meteors hitch to shoot,
From the heaven of my heart,
Lest I again wish for you;
My grave cannot hold me back,
I'll wander out in search of you,
If my ashes are immersed,
I shall take a u-turn,
To return back to you!

Monday, 24 August 2020

Biography

I have never read much in the way of biography - the occasional footballer, maybe. But historical figures, almost none. Until now. I have spent the last few weeks reading Claire Tomalin's "Samuel Pepys: the Unequalled Self". Oh my, what I have been missing. This is spellbinding stuff, beautifully written and opening  up new vistas for me of the English Civil War, the Stuarts and their failings and the sheer wantonness of 17th century life.

It is an enormous read and reading a couple of dozen pages in bed each night means I have spaced this endeavour out over several weeks. Which I can only imagine matches in some way the incredible amount of research which must have gone into writing this book. So I feel I am honouring the spirit of the author; I hope she would be proud of me.

Obviously the primary source material for the book is Pepys' diary. Excerpts from the diary in the book make me realise how much I need an interlocutor if I am to understand his words. 17th century English, interspersed with words in foreign tongues and encased in a florid and expressive vernacular render much of the language impenetrable to the non scholar that I am. Pepys' education clearly doesn't match mine; his is classical in style and mine is scientific modernist, hence my difficulties. What am I to make of "the mistresse of the shop took us into the kitchen and there talked and used us very prettily, and took her for my wife, which I owned and her big belly, and there very merry, till my thing done, and then took coach and home, in the way tomando su mano and putting it where I used to do; which ella did suffer, but not avec tant de freedom as heretofore, I perceiving plainly she had alguns apprehensions de me but I did offer natha more then what I had often done. "? (Best not explained to the children)

In his diary Pepys gives a vivid picture of life in the second half of the 17th century. The Great Plague of 1665 and the Fire of London in the following year are extensively chronicled in the book and resonated strongly with me at our pandemic time.

Pepys is a man of many parts. We read extensively of him as a naval administrator, as a loyal courtier to, in turn, Cromwell,  Charles II and James II, as a "mover and shaker" in society and as a husband (sadly not a father).

The navy was a hugely important part of English power and Pepys worked his way up through the civil service ranks to eventually become Secretary to the Admiralty. There were 23 years of war with the Dutch and later conflicts with the French who were supporting James II and his return to the English throne. Pepys signed supply contracts, administered the fleet and the dockyards and was a persistent advocate for more funding for the navy. He also spoke out against pressing, but not to the same effect. His work in this regard allowed him to generate considerable personal wealth, it being the norm to act as a paid agent and to extract payments from contractors for services rendered.

It seems that Pepys was a parliamentarian and republican. Freshly out of school he became an Exchequer clerk and attended meetings chaired by Cromwell. He worked in Cromwell's service until the Restoration, at which point it seemed apposite to serve Charles II. Pepys is clearly no great lover of the dissolute life that the monarch lived but did his job and from time to time was called to advise the King. Tomalin tells us "Pepys's position at the Navy Board meant he owed direct duty and loyalty to the King" but "he was shocked by what he heard of the swearing, drinking and whoring at court". He continued to serve the new King James II during his short reign.

Pepys' parliamentarianism came back to haunt him in later life, suffering trial and imprisonment in the blood letting that seems to be have been a feature of both the (Catholic) Restoration and the subsequent (Protestant) monarchy of William and Mary.. He had always been agnostic in religious matters and had friends and family who were Catholics and his support and friendship never wavered and later led to his being accused of being a secret Papist. It can't have been a pleasant time for him. In this respect Tomalin gives a clear picture of a hard working and loyal servant of whomever his leader was at the time.

Pepys clearly loved mixing with powerful and important people, not only in the civil service but in the arts and sciences. He was elected as a Fellow of the Royal Society and enjoyed its discourse for many years, eventually serving as President for a two year term. He became familiar with such as Isaac Newton, Christopher Wren, the chemist Robert Boyle, the economist William Petty and the polymath Robert Hooke. He read widely, made and listened to music and collected art. I think he would have had a season ticket to the Royal Opera today. Maybe even Bayreuth.

As for his personal life, he made many friends, both male and female, and enjoyed discourse and intimacy with them. He was a loving husband. I can't recall any sense of regret at being childless but it's possible that his behaviour with other women was partly a result of that.

Overall, Samuel Pepys is a complex and alluring character. He comes across as an often frustrated administrator and courtier - never quite in the top echelon of society - who lived the most amazingly busy life and made the most of his abilities. He was loyal to his friends and constant in his derision of his enemies. A likeable man? Probably not. But a formidable one.

I now know that Tomalin has written biographies of Dickens, Hardy and Jane Austen amongst others. I shall definitely be working my way through these in my nightly vigils, Claire. Thank you for bringing light into my life.

The Machine Stops

A world in which all humans live underground. Each person in their own bubble. a small room where everything happens for them.The central character of the story gives lectures to remotely located students and "attends" lectures herself. Remotely communicating with her son and others.

A prescient parable of our pandemically-challenged times? Perhaps but, astonishingly, The Machine Stops is a short story by E. M. Forster, written in...1909.

As well as communication, feeding, sleeping, air conditioning and other necessary aspects of daily life are controlled by the Machine. A world-wide inter-connected, all-embracing functional controller.

Technology innovation in 1909 consisted of bakelite, cellophane, lipstick and disposable razor blades. Although Alexander Graham Bell had developed the telephone 30 years earlier it wasn't until the 1930s that phones in homes became a thing; Forster may have had some awareness of the device in 1909 but probably no experience. So how could he have imagined the world of Skype, the Internet, Zoom and WhatsApp? Amazing.

This is not the fantasy fiction of The Time Machine or The Invisible Man (no offence Herbert George Wells; I have enjoyed your books immensely) but rather science/technology/sociology fiction.

Nor is this Orwell's 1984 control freakery; citizens of this story are allowed, but not encouraged, to do certain things such as travel. So it's not about fascism or demagoguery. It is essentially about the dangers of technological development and the inexorable trend towards machine control. The Machine is clearly a benign object to the world's citizens; some of them even begin to worship it:

"The Machine", they exclaimed, "feeds us and clothes us and houses us; through it we speak to one another, through it we see one another, in it we have our being. The Machine is the friend of ideas and the enemy of superstition; the Machine is omnipotent, eternal; blessed is the Machine."

The Machine is doing a great job for the citizens of Earth. It supplies all their bodily and spiritual needs.

Until. It. Breaks. Down.

The. Machine Stops.
Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

In my never-satisfied search for more knowledge, I came across a 2016 album of the same name by the space-rock band Hawkwind. There is an introductory narrative track All hail The Machine, with a background of weird machiney and spacey sounds:

The Machine feeds us & clothes us & houses us
Through the Machine, we speak to one another, in it we have our being
The Machine is the friend of ideas & the enemy of superstition
The Machine is omnipotent, eternal

Blessed is The Machine
Blessed is The Machine

All this talk is as if a god made the machine
But you must remember that men made The Machine
Great men but men all the same
The Machine is much but it is not everything
There is something like you on the screen but you are not seen
There is something that sounds like you but you are not heard

In time, because of The Machine, there will come a generation that has got beyond facts
Beyond impressions
A generation absolutely colourless
A generation seraphically free from the taint of personality

All hail The Machine!
All hail The Machine!

At last on track 2 (The Machine) we get music!

Oh to reach the surface once again
And feel the sun

I thought a later track Living on Earth might give some of E. M. Forster enlightenment but sadly the lyrics - and the music - typify the album's deterioration into the mundane (Maybe that's a metaphor for The Machine Stops).

I didn't know, no one told me of this
That living on Earth is no life of bliss
Those halcyon days when time slips away
Our love won't exist

I'm sorry Hawkwind, you don't make it onto my Spotify favourites list but it was good to know you.

Monday, 17 August 2020

Nonsense rhymes

I picked up a rum-looking biscuit
Shall I throw it away or risk it?
Don't be daft, you can't die
from eating a pie
You're just being too pessimistic

I decided to take a big chance
It seemed OK at a glance
It looked a bit off
and I started to cough
And ended the night in a trance

In the trance I felt a bit pale
I dreamed I was inside a whale
It was very dark
but I saw Noah's Ark
And here is my animal tale


A dodo came into my house
Trying hard to catch a mouse
I said "no, no, 
Go away, dodo, 
It's eating that horrid woodlouse" 

I once met a big ugly toad
I thought he was crossing the road 
"Mr Toad, here's a log"
"Don't be daft, I'm a frog
And this is my humble abode"

The louse and the mouse and the frog
and the dodo, all went for a jog
They watched a black cat
keep an eye on a rat
But forgot to watch out for the dog!

I've got no more beasts for you
They've all gone back to the zoo
They're met with confetti
from a just-married yeti
Now I'm off to bed, toodaloo.

Eat  your heart out, Edward Lear.

Sunday, 16 August 2020

Did you know? More great people

Gustav Eiffel. We all know what he is famous for - but did you know he built a railway station in Chile, a gasworks in Bolivia and a lighthouse in Estonia?

Photo by Evgeni Tcherkasski on Unsplash

Hypatia. The oldest known female mathematician. Lived in Egypt in the 4th century. I wonder what mathematicians actually did in those days?

Photo by Antoine Dautry on Unsplash

Bhasa. A 3rd/4th century Indian playwright. His plays sometimes showed scenes of physical violence, against the traditions of the Natya Shastra.

Photo by Yogendra Singh on Unsplash

Christine de Pizan. An early feminist, she was in a way a "court writer" to France's Charles VI. She especially espoused the virtues of Charles' Queen Isabeau and Louis VIII's Queen Blanche in her writings.

Photo by Esteban Lopez on Unsplash

Niccolo Machiavelli. Wrote a five act comedy La Mandragola. Not what he is more usually remembered for. Maybe he thought politicians were all comical.

Photo by tanialee gonzalez on Unsplash

Liliʻuokalani. A Hawaiian songwriter. She was also the last sovereign monarch of the Hawaiian Kingdom, before its overthrow in 1893.

Photo by Michaela on Unsplash

Stephanie Kwolek. The inventor of Kevlar.

Civilization VI. "Just a game"

It's just a game

 No it's not. My favourite computer game Civilization VI is far far more than that. It is an archive of historical accuracy and detail. History, ancient and modern, that I learn from almost every day. Great people, great works of engineering, science, commerce, literature, music, the visual arts and yes, warfare. Sun Tzu alongside Isaac Newton alongside Gustav Klimt.

The developers of the game pride themselves on historical accuracy and relevance, with great respect for all cultures and values. 19th century Japanese artist Katsushika Hokusai, Genghis Khan, Machiavelli and Zoroaster are all around, as great people who have made their contributions to the development of the world's civilisations, without value judgements on their effects. There is no Adolf Hitler, though, and no Pol Pot, although genocide is "represented" by Genghis and Ethiopia's Menilek II. But Menilek is there alongside Simon Bolivar, Gandhi and Montezuma as protectors of their countries/regions against the ravages of colonialism.

You don't learn this in school history.

It's a cornucopia of cultural bountifulness, a profusion of world knowledge, a schooling in history from ancient Mesopotamia to Second World War Australia, with their respective leaders Gilgamesh and John Curtin.

Consider what I learned yesterday; two [excerpts from] poems by Emily Dickinson:

Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne'er succeed.
To comprehend a nectar
Requires sorest need.

A Bird, came down the Walk - 
He did not know I saw -
He bit an Angle Worm in halves
And ate the fellow, raw, 

I love them.

And by the 8th century Chinese poet Li Bai:

Among the blossoms waits a jug of wine.
I pour myself a drink, no loved one near.
Raising my cup, I invite the bright moon
and turn to my shadow. We are now three.
But the moon doesn’t understand drinking,
and my shadow follows my body like a slave.
For a time moon and shadow will be my companions,
a passing joy that should last through the spring.
I sing and the moon just wavers in the sky;
I dance and my shadow whips around like mad.
But stumbling drunk, each staggers off alone.
Bound forever, relentless we roam:
reunited at last on the distant river of stars.

So, when I am playing the game as Simon Bolivar's Gran Colombia against Spain's Philip II and and I meet the roaming Kupe of the Maori and Poundmaker of the Cree, we are at one and I am re-living the history of the world. My world.

Kids, get playing and learning!

Wednesday, 12 August 2020

Old wives' tales

Of course you can't say that any more. It's ageist and sexist. And anti singles.

"Eating your crusts makes your hair go curly" is a traditional example. I remember my mother saying it to me. It didn't work. Even though my mother was an old wife. And why is it that, when I search for celebrities with the curliest hair, it's all female pop stars? What about Kevin Keegan and Brian May?

"early to bed, early to rise". Try telling a teenager that.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away". Why would you want to keep the doctor away? And they've probably got a huge store of rotting apples by now.

"Sitting too close to the television will make you go blind". Needs updating for computers.

"Eating carrots will improve your eyesight". bestlifeonline.com tells me "Originally, this rumor took hold when Royal Air Force fighter ace John Cunningham became the first person to shoot down an enemy plane (using automatic targeting) in the dead of night. British officials facetiously credited the pilot's success to eating carrots in order to fool the Germans. Later, the carrot-eyesight link further gained validity in the public eye when sugar supplies became scarce and, as such, the British Ministry of Food made a push for more vegetables and fewer sweets, with cartoons like "Dr. Carrot" gracing advertisements and billboards everywhere."

"Carry an acorn around to stay forever young". How young? I definitely wouldn't have wanted to stay a teenager. It works for oak trees though.

Tell me your favourites!

Camel Trail 3

 I'm in Padstow.


Home to the great and good.
Fish and chips? Not at the moment, thanks, I've had lunch (Thai chicken and lemongrass soup and sushi, since you ask).

I'm strolling along another part of the Camel Trail, going east from Padstow. There are about 500 cyclists, one red faced jogger and the odd walker.
Very odd.

The trail itself is not particularly exciting although the Camel estuary is very picturesque. Much of the trail is basically a woodland path. But for me the enjoyment is observing the people, particularly the cyclists. And I'm hunting the elusive Little Egrets.

It's fascinating to catch snippets of cycling family conversation. "Are we at Padstow yet, Dad?". "The thing we have to remember is that we're in the South China sea". "Did she like you saying that?". "Henry, don't forget to brake". "Henry, slow down". "Henry, stop! STOP!".
"Sorry about that". No worries, I'm still alive. Ring your bell!

It's amazing what cyclists can tow. There was a yappy black dog in a mobile kennel, another - a fluffy brown thing - in a home made device and what seemed to be twins in a baby carriage.

One father had the right idea, cruising along on an electric scooter, not a care in the world, while his kids pedalled their bikes furiously and sweated profusely.

Aha, I spy my prey. A pair of Little Egrets at last.
I told you they are little. You'll just have to trust me on this.

At last I am back in Padstow. It's hot and sticky and I'm knackered. I deserve a treat. Shall I have an iced coffee and a cake, or an ice cream?

I'm not telling.

Sunday, 9 August 2020

Dodos, unicorns and yeti

Dodos used to exist. In Mauritius, probably becoming extinct in the 17th century. They were flightless birds, which may account for why they died out; Mauritius is an island, so nowhere else to go. Which probably caused them to become depressed and hence not attractive mates.

Photo by McGill Library on Unsplash

Surely a "flightless bird" is an oxymoron? Ask any five year old what distinguishes birds from other creatures and they will surely answer "they fly". So who came up with this ridiculous nomenclature? Does it perhaps describe a desire to fly? Ask a penguin or an ostrich what they most regret in their lives and they will say "I wish I could fly but I can't".

This is obviously very sad and they need help. At http://www.teachthesoul.com/2019/04/training-penguins-to-fly/ there is a moving story of penguins [who] formed a committee to find a motivational speaker who would help them [to learn to fly]. I'm not going to spoil the story for you; check it out. Maybe they are just channelling their inner Greta Thunberg and saving the planet.

It's not clear that unicorns (literally "one horned") ever existed, although there are apparently records of seals depicting unicorns from the Indus Valley Civilization. Also known as the Harappan Civilisation. A while ago.

Photo by James Lee on Unsplash

Like that one.

There are a number of Biblical references to unicorns. Psalm 22: "Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns." The coat of arms of the UK shows a unicorn as the symbol of Scotland, facing off the lion of England.

Popular usage of "unicorn" now is to indicate something fanciful and almost certainly unachievable, like a billion dollar start-up, a bridge from Scotland to Northern Ireland or a wall between Mexico and the US. Or a UKIP Prime Minister.

Use of "unicorn" also occurs in LGBTQ culture. Just for the  record.

Moving on to the yeti. In Himalayan folklore, the Yeti is a monstrous creature. Some British military guy in the 1920s coined the phrase The Abominable Snowman when he saw some large footprints. Possibly this herd of yeti:

No-one has ever seen Mr Yeti. But then no-one living has ever seen a dodo or a unicorn, so who knows one day...?

You can play "Face The Yeti Society" on a gaming platform called Sleep. Maybe it's a calm, soothing game.

If you see a dodo, unicorn or yeti in your back garden, please take a photo and share it in your comment to this post.

“To attain knowledge, add things everyday. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.” Lao Tse

Four minutes and thirty three seconds

 Working from home and missing the hustle and bustle of your office? Check out soundofcolleagues.com, where you can hear the welcome ring of a phone, chatter of people and their keyboards, the printer and coffee machine and even the office dog (a particularly shrill, whiny dog, maybe a chihuahua).

If you prefer, you can check out mynoise.net, which enables you to "use the noises you most enjoy to mask the noises you don’t want to hear". Choose from white noise, thunder and rain, nature sounds from a European primeval forest and many more idiotic concepts. There are sections such as "I need to calm down" and "I'm desperately trying to put my baby to sleep", although no "my children have just arrived home from school and are running around like madmen" option. I do like "I'm a writer in need of inspiration", which my readers may think I should explore.

Are these people mad? I crave beautiful silence, where my innermost thoughts and creativity reign. Hence I have today registered a new internet domain: johncage.co.uk

Applications are invited from anyone willing to build me a totally silent website, possibly with a [start 4' 33"] button. Maybe some pictures of my inner mind. If you can get there.

Saturday, 8 August 2020

Lefties

 Friday 13 August is International Left Handers Day. Wow - is there an International Right Handers Day? Or an International Ambidextrousers Day? No apostrophes day?

I don't have much experience of this, although my elder son Simon, when playing cricket, bowls left handed and bats right handed. About 90% of the world's population is right handed.

Nikolai Leskov wrote The Tale of Cross-eyed Lefty from Tula and the Steel Flea in 1881. Russian composer Rodion Shchedrin wrote an opera The Left-Hander in 2013. Maybe there are lots more left handers in Russia than elsewhere; has anyone ever written a PhD thesis on that?

Tuesday 31 August is National Zoo Awareness Day. Do we really still have zoos? They seem so passé.

Some things to look forward to:

September is designated Bear Necessities Month, organised by the World Society for the Protection of Animals. Do they have other animal puns days? I didn't do it on porpoise Day? Say something amoosing Day? Have a cat nap Day? I'm up for that. I know, these are terrible; give me better!

19 September is Talk Like a Pirate Day. Will you do be doing that? Sing along with their anthem at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8_NlNSINbA

I'll be listening.

Anyone join me on Start Writing a Blog Day?

Smart motorway

In bygone days when I used to drive between Cornwall and London/Kent I would, for two or three years, traverse a stretch of the M3 being revamped as a "smart" motorway. Last week I had the first opportunity to see how smart the newly completed road is. Excitement!

The "smart" qualifier evokes images derived from experience of existing smart devices. I can access YouTube videos and other apps on my smart TV, as well as browsing the web (although to be honest it's too clunky to do that; a laptop and a mouse much easier). I can do all that on my smartphone - but that term is pretty much extinct; now all phones are "smart". The first so-called smartphone as we recognise it today was possibly the iPhone in 2007, although hand-held communication devices had been manufactured for a decade or so before that. Nowadays my phone does even more than my smart TV.

If I had a smart watch it might do even more but a 76yo's eyesight and dexterity probably can't make best use of it. And it seems designed around a notion of exercise=good; I'm not a great believer in that.

Not sure my Alexa device is truly smart - I asked her whether she was smart and she answered "I try my best"; not a huge confidence booster.

The Internet of Things enables home automation to a (some would say) ludicrous degree, where the house resembles more a gigantic toy room more than a cosy, relaxing living space.

What is common to all smart devices, I suppose, is connectivity - to each other, to the Internet, to satellites - and processing power, i.e. the ability to work with data quasi-instantly. In my imagination, I had hopes of driving along the  M3, watching football on giant screens that move alongside me, getting weather and news updates that I can interact with using my voice-activated in-car device and beamed to the screen in my rear passenger seat, automatic instantaneous charging of my electric car and cruise control connectivity. And containing future-proofed electronic infrastructure for driverless vehicles. Imagine a motorway where you arrive in your car, log on to the "smart drive" functionality and sit back while the road takes you hundreds of miles in perfect safety. A dedicated driverless motorway, a bit like putting your car on Le Shuttle on Eurotunnel.

So how does the M3 measure up to those criteria? 

As far as I can tell, a smart motorway differs from its dumb friends in two respects:
1. Traffic management, e.g. variable speed limits.
2. Hard shoulder running, allowing an extra lane when there are no vehicles on what would have been the otherwise used hard shoulder, i.e. 80 or 90% of the time.

Instead of my futuristic vision, I actually get... an extra lane and more speed limits. For £129 million (2014 estimates).

Now don't get me wrong; maybe the cost is less than the potential savings. That's not my point. My beef is with PR-speak "smart" designation.

Dear M3, even my Alexa is smarter than you. When I asked her "are you smarter than the M3?" she at least had the self awareness to answer "hm, I don't know that one".

M3, you are a watch which just tells the time. Tick tock (not to be confused with TikTok, Mr President).

Tuesday, 4 August 2020

Shaggy dogs

I was going to write a shaggy dog story.
But I realised that most of my blog posts are just that.

"a long, rambling story or joke, typically one that is amusing only because it is absurdly inconsequential or pointless." [Oxford Languages]

"In its original sense, a shaggy dog story or yarn is an extremely long-winded anecdote characterized by extensive narration of typically irrelevant incidents and terminated by an anticlimax." [Wikipedia]

My readers can verify that, pausing only to consider the  verity of "amusing" as applied to my blog.

Does anyone know the first usage of this strange phrase? It appears not, although it seem to be accepted that its first usages were in the USA in the 1920s or 1930s.

The Hungarian Puli (see picture above) is amongst the shaggiest breeds of dog. This Komondor, also from Hungary, is like a SuperPuli - much bigger.
This Afghan Hound, from - er well guess - is a supermodel who would never ever be called a shaggy dog.
The Lhasa Apso is from Tibet.
And the Keeshond from the Netherlands.
This Highland Cow thinks shaggy dogs are overrated.
Photo by Luke Besley on Unsplash