Imelda Marcos

When I played croquet, I used a mallet with a square brass head. As you can see

I use an asymmetric stance with a narrow gap between my feet, through which the mallet swings as I set up the rhythm for my stroke. Sometimes, if my swing is not smooth, the edge of the brass head clips my ankle bone. Which is extremely painful. So I bought a pair of high sided trainers to give protection.

I have a favourite pair of shoes. The most comfortable I have ever had. Leather soles and uppers. Had them for years. The only problem is that they leak in the rain. In those conditions I revert to a pair of suede shoes which are relatively comfortable but, with very hard, wide soles, are not good when driving.

I have another pair of suede shoes. Not only are these extremely smart but they are blue.

 

Because they have long, pointy toes they are very unsuitable for driving. They might get used once a year on average. So why did I buy them? It was a whim; I went into Clark's looking for something comfortable and everyday and came out with the opposite.

What else? Well sandals obviously, for those few days each year when I can wear shorts. I hate sandals and get mocked by some (unnamed) people for wearing socks with them. So I have to buy those horrid "no show" jogging socks. Having said that, it may be that wearing normal socks with sandals may no longer be a 'fashion faux pas' as Mr Wiki claims. glamour.com (obviously bookmarked by cool grandads) tells me that lockdown/quarantine has brought it back into trendy fashion. You wait long enough and your grandad's attire will be voguish, kids!

Also a regular pair of trainers. I like these but they suffer from the disadvantage of taking a considerable time to tie/untie the laces. Particularly time-consuming and awkward when you go into someone's house.

So that's me: six pairs. Not an excessive number, I'd say. Unlike Imelda Marcos who, in 1986 when her husband the Philippine President was ousted in a revolution, was found to have 3,000 pairs. Wikipedia reports that "She and her husband Ferdinand hold the Guinness World Record for the Greatest Robbery of a Government". But not for the most pairs of shoes; that record goes to one Darlene Flynn, an American with16,400 pairs.

I have some way to go to catch up.

Croquet

There are two forms of croquet - the right form (Association Croquet) and the wrong form (Golf Croquet). The latter is essentially Croquet For Dummies, so we won't dwell on it.

I played croquet for many years and immensely enjoyed it. It is a strategic and tactical challenge, involving a great deal of skill.

I was once, very briefly, ranked 637th in the world. Now, readers will no doubt wonder whether there are only about 638 croquet players in the world, or even whether the "world" in this case means England (rather like American Football or Aussie Rules). But mock not - I am proud of it.

A game of croquet takes place between two players or two doubles teams. We'll talk about singles - one player against another. Each player has two balls, of different colours. The game takes place on a lawn containing six hoops, laid out as follows:

As you can see, you go through the hoops in a particular sequence. Generally twice round, with the second half the reverse (ish) of the first. To win the game, get both your balls through the hoops in the correct sequence then hit them against the peg in the middle. Before your opponent does.

So, it's a simple game? No, it isn't. Because the hoops are around 4" wide and the balls are 3⅝" diameter - not much leeway (OK, if you want to be pedantic, I may be confusing simple with easy here, but croquet is neither). There is a sequence of shots which you need to use to position your ball in front of a hoop and then run it through.

Once both of your balls are in play and it is your turn, you can hit one of your balls to hit one of the other three - your other ball and you opponent's two balls. If you miss - unless you manage to hit your ball through a hoop - your turn is over. If you hit, you pick your ball up and "take croquet". That is, you put your ball down touching the ball you hit and hit your ball away from the touching ball - also moving that ball - towards one of the other balls or towards the hoop through which you are aiming to go. You then have a continuation shot, in which you can hit one of the other balls which you haven't yet taken croquet from, or go through your hoop. Once you get the ball through a hoop, the sequence is reset so that you can use the other three balls again.

Now here is the really clever part: because you move both balls on your croquet shot, you can play the object ball to a position where it can be useful in a subsequent shot after you have "made" your hoop and can then roquet (that is the shot where you hit your ball against another ball to earn the croquet shot) that ball again. Using all four balls, therefore, it is possible to go all the way round the six hoops and the six return hoops in one turn.

I have done it and here is the proof:

So, a twelve point break - that's all 12 hoops in one turn. No bisques - a bisque is a free turn you can use if you are playing a handicap game. Handicaps work in a similar fashion to those in golf. If I have a handicap of 7 and my opponent has a handicap of 5, I receive 2 bisques (free shots) from him/her, which I can use at any point when it is my turn. So, if I get through 5 hoops and then break down by not getting my ball through a hoop, I can use a bisque and carry on the turn (I think that may be what a mulligan is in golf).

There's a lot more to croquet than that. For instance, you have to consider the situation you are leaving your opponent in, when you approaching the end of your turn and he will take his turn next. Because you are trying to set yourself up to get through hoops, you are also trying to prevent his being able to do so when it's his turn. And beware! Since you are probably using his balls to set up your own break, you may have set them up perfectly for his next turn!You can be constructive or destructive, aggressive or passive, cautious or risky. So it's a strategic game as well as tactical.

So, to play croquet, you need to have ... a brain and good legs - like this chap:

There's a croquet club near you. Go and enjoy! https://www.croquet.org.uk/