Shaggy dogs

I was going to write a shaggy dog story.

But I realised that most of my blog posts are just that.

"a long, rambling story or joke, typically one that is amusing only because it is absurdly inconsequential or pointless." [Oxford Languages]

"In its original sense, a shaggy dog story or yarn is an extremely long-winded anecdote characterized by extensive narration of typically irrelevant incidents and terminated by an anticlimax." [Wikipedia]

My readers can verify that, pausing only to consider the  verity of "amusing" as applied to my blog.

Does anyone know the first usage of this strange phrase? It appears not, although it seem to be accepted that its first usages were in the USA in the 1920s or 1930s.

The Hungarian Puli (see picture above) is amongst the shaggiest breeds of dog. This Komondor, also from Hungary, is like a SuperPuli - much bigger.

This Afghan Hound, from - er well guess - is a supermodel who would never ever be called a shaggy dog.

The Lhasa Apso is from Tibet.

And the Keeshond from the Netherlands.

This Highland Cow thinks shaggy dogs are overrated.

Stonehenge

Nigel, do you talk to yourself?

       Of course; doesn't everyone? I also talk to my computer, my TV, my fridge and a jigsaw puzzle which I am working on.

What do you say to your TV?

     Typically I'm standing up and yelling "stop passing backwards", "get rid of the ball" and "don't pass to Xhaka" (I'm omitting a few key words here in deference to the sensitive ears of my younger readers) when Arsenal are trying to play tippy tappy football in their own penalty area using players of extremely limited technical ability.

Do you talk to plants?

      I'm not really a fan of plants; they are mostly hard work for little - and short-lived - reward. My ideal garden is made of gravel and astroturf. Although I do at the moment have a particularly attractive pink fuschia in a pot.

Great, can we see a photo?

      No, I'm not at home. But when I get back next week, watch out for one in the blog!

So what's this about Stonehenge?

      I drove past it today.

It's still there then?

      I can't say definitively at this moment but it was a few hours ago. The stones are socially distancing - a proper 2 metres apart, except the ones on top, which presumably are exempt from the rules. Spectators rather more than 2 metres away; more like 200. They don't like having their stones touched, in case they wear away, crack and fall over in a million years time (that's the stones, not the people). They've been there for 5,000 years with people touching them every day, by the way.

But presumably if you have enough money, you could pay an exorbitant price to be allowed to touch, like Russian money launderers getting residency permits after handing over a brown paper bag filled with millions of used rubles?

      No. Everyone pays an exorbitant price not to touch. And you have probably just got me some GCHQ blog followers. And the Kremlin.

Do you know who built Stonehenge?

      It think it might have been Druids. Or Martians.

You think Martians may have built Stonehenge?

      Could be. Anyway I may get some Martian followers.

Are the Druids the ones with pointy hats?

      I think that's the Ku Klux Klan

Does the KKK still exist?

      I can't say definitively at this moment but I think they run the White House.

You do realise that the CIA will be monitoring this?

      More followers then.

And Druids - do they exist?

      I'm not sure, although I believe they appear at times in Wales. at Eisteddffoddai. And ssppout ppoettry. (That may not be entirely accurate; I decided not to do any research for this post)

No research: are you saying that entertainment is better than truth?

      People have huge followings on Twitter doing just that.

Did you see anything else interesting on your drive?

      Wincanton. Near the racecourse.

Did you go to the races?

      Not today but it brought back memories of a horse called The  Guinea Stamp. Many many years ago my sons and I had a share in the horse and we drove north one cold winter day to some racecourse (maybe Kelso?) to watch its first race.

Did it run well?

      Sadly no. It seemed to have difficulty clearing the hurdles so it had to follow all the others who had knocked down the hurdles first. It's difficult to win when you're running last.

You talk as though you're not sure whether "it" was male or female.

      He was a gelding.

Ouch! No wonder he didn't want to exert himself.

      Fair enough. Anyway it was pretty much a waste of our (well strictly my) money on training fees.

Do you regret doing that?

      Je ne regrette rien, as Norman Lamont said when raising interest rates to 15% and taking us out of the ERM. I checked that to make sure my memory was accurate.

I thought you said you wouldn't do any research?

      I'm hoping to get some French followers. And Norman Lamont.

So is that it about your journey?

      Yep, six and half hours of M this, M that and M the other.

So with all that driving, where did you write this post?

      In my head.

And do you think it has gone well?

      I'll leave that to my followers to judge.

Half birthday

I was recently informed by my son that we might not be able to watch the Cup Final on Saturday because we'll be celebrating my grandson's "half birthday". Apart from the warped sense of priorities here, I didn't know that half birthdays (or should it be half-birthdays?) are even a thing. No-one has ever mentioned my half birthday on 16th July.

Charlotte Pomeranz wrote a book "The Half-Birthday Party" in 1984, so it's not as if it's a new concept. Half-birthday can even be written into law: the US state of Idaho allows people to take out a learner driving licence at the age of 14½; that frankly seems odd. More odd, however, is Michigan which requires the youngster to be 14 years and 8 months for the licence; a two-thirds-birthday. In Maryland it's 15 years and nine months, a three-quarters birthday. I could go on. [please don't, Nigel, we get the point]

Do you want to know whose half-birthday it is today? No? Well I'm going to tell you anyway.

Oprah Winfrey

Tom Selleck

Thomas Paine

William McKinley

Anton Chekhov

Frederick Delius

Germaine Greer

Lewis Carroll wrote about "un-birthdays". Humpy Dumpty says he was given an un-birthday present by the White King and Queen in Through the Looking-Glass. Rev. Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (aka Lewis Carroll) took the idea to heart: he would surprise friends with gifts on other, random days. As many of us do, although (in my case) not knowing we are celebrating un-birthdays.

As for me, belated half-birthday wishes will be gratefully received.

Electric bikes

The UK government is planning a subsidy for purchasing ebikes. "To encourage older people to get out on the road" (my quote marks, referencing a report in today's Times). They apparently cost upwards of £1,000. More from the paper: "GPs will be encouraged to prescribe cycling and patients will be able to hire bikes through surgeries".

Why is an ebike better than a bike? Cheaper, with the subsidy? No. Greener? No. Better for fitness? No. Safer for pedestrians? No. It's a scheme to provide toys for rich pensioners, in fact well off people of all ages, whizzing around, clogging up the roads for us poor car drivers. If you're into toy subsidies, why not Lego kits for the kids?

And has anyone asked the overworked GPs and their surgery staff? Who will have to hire staff to run the bike rental department. And need to use their (probably non-existent) capital to buy the bikes to rent them. Given the age profile of people I see at my surgery, I imagine the take up would be very close to zero. But, good news if you were given an ebike for Christmas and don't know what to do with it; you can sell it to the NHS!

Is it April Fool's Day? On the face of it this is the most bonkers idea from a government led by a PM addicted to throwing crazy ideas around to see which ones stick. Maybe this is what Cummings' "weirdos and misfits" have come up with.

In other news today - more accurately perhaps gossip or rumour (which of course is why I read the papers, since the real news is so dire) - the Premier League is thinking of using the Women's Premier League as a pilot for allowing limited spectators (that's just a few of them, not people of limited intelligence) into football stadiums. So there, it doesn't matter if female football fans get the virus and in any case not many people go to watch women playing soccer anyway. Are you mad, Premier League? Did you furlough your PR department?

Of course the Times could just be making it all up. But hey, it's more entertaining than watching Matt Hancock. Or getting stuck in Spain.

Oh I forgot, I said I wasn't going to be political or controversial in the blog. Sometimes I can't resist a dig.

Great minds

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

So said Eleanor Roosevelt. Although it's not clear that she actually did. I dunno, it's a bit like Einstein being credited with saying "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.". He didn't, and if you keep on saying it, that's insane.

He also didn't say:

“Education is that which remains, if one has forgotten everything he learned in school.”

Or:

“Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

But it's a fun aphorism; great at parties.

Is misquoting famous people a modern phenomenon? Maybe twitterstorm, internatter, wikieverything? Well no. Eighteenth century French citizens were so hacked off with the French royal family that they attributed "let them eat cake" to Marie Antoinette. It had actually been said earlier by Jean-Jacques Rousseau in Confessions. But never let the truth get in the way of a good story (I wonder who said that?) - Marie said it! Execute her! So they did. Rousseau got away with it.

We know who said "Brexit means Brexit" but how many times did Theresa May do so? Maybe nowadays with 24 hour rolling news it's not likely that misquotes would be allowed to get into everyday understanding, but Twitter is a great spreader of fake news. And we definitely know who said that. Or do we? 

In the 13th century BC, Rameses the Great spread lies and propaganda portraying the Battle of Kadesh as a stunning victory for the Egyptians; the battle was actually a stalemate. FAKE NEWS!

In the American colonies, Benjamin Franklin wrote fake news about murderous "scalping" Indians working with King George III in an effort to sway public opinion in favour of the American Revolution. FAKE NEWS!

Maybe, in 100 years, students will be writing essays on Jeremy Corbyn saying "Brexit means fake news".

Flagpole sitta

Flagpole Sitta is a song by an American band Harvey Danger. In all honesty, it's not a great song. And I'm not enamoured with their sound but I came across a quote from the song:

...if you're bored then you're boring

I've definitely been bored at times over the last four months - no pub, no coffee shop, no full English breakfast, no grandkids - and that's why I started blogging. So that I would be less bored. Am I therefore boring? I worry about that now, although there is certainly a case for saying that the lyrics of rock songs are often ridiculous (rather like opera, now I come to think of it) and shouldn't be taken seriously.

But I take everything I come across seriously so I thought I'd explore literature of various kinds to see what others had to say about boredom.

Before that, I should tell you - because you are fellow explorers and will insist on knowing - that Harvey Danger were an alternative rock band. I don't know what that means; their music sounds punkish to me but there are (younger) members of my family who would know better than I. Flagpole Sitta was used as the theme tune for a British sitcom called Peep Show. Never heard of that either. But, as with everything, you can check out this song on YouTube.

OK, that's out of the way, added to my knowledge of life, the universe and everything but almost certainly never to be revisited. Although one day it might be useful in a pub quiz.

[Ed: NIgel, so far you are demonstrating exactly Harvey's point]

The American novelist Zelda Fitzgerald gives us this:

“She refused to be bored chiefly because she wasn't boring.”

Which actually is not dissimilar to Harvey's line.

The comedian Louis C. K. tells us:

“I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.”

OK C. K., I'm sorry I said it. Forgive.

Another American novelist Maria Semple has a rather worrying take on it:

“That's right,' she told the girls. 'You are bored. And I'm going to let you in on a little secret about life. You think it's boring now? Well, it only gets more boring."

Albert Camus is also in negative mode:

“The truth is that everyone is bored, and devotes himself to cultivating habits.”

But I'm going to finish on a positive note, from Susan Cain:

“...I also believe that introversion is my greatest strength. I have such a strong inner life that I’m never bored and only occasionally lonely. No matter what mayhem is happening around me, I know I can always turn inward.”

Ah now, that's definitely me. Always seeking the inner truths. And you, dear reader, if you've got this far in this ramble, you are definitely not boring.

Harvey, you're wrong.