Champagne socialist

Generally speaking, I would prefer to pay someone to do a boring, tedious task rather than do it myself. Tasks such as weed killing, hedge trimming, checking the oil level in my car's engine.

The concept of DIY is alien to me. There are those in my family, cognisant of the disastrous consequences of my erecting shelves, who would no doubt support my 'pay someone to do it' stance. Whoever invented DIY? What about supporting local traders, particularly in the difficult circumstances of the pandemic?

As a young husband and father I felt a multitude of pressures to Do It Myself. Financial obviously but more an expectation that, as the man of the house, it was my solemn duty to devote my time to tasks for which I was temperamentally unsuited. Not to mention totally unskilled. Shelves to put up? Nigel's your man. Shelves to put up again when the originals fall down? Nigel again, in an extreme example of Einstein's alleged 'doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is a definition of madness' maxim.

In my time, I have tried my hand at plumbing, electrics, decorating and even on one occasion helping a pal erect a shed for his beloved cow, using scraps of wood. It seems that men have absurd estimations of their own abilities. 'But you have to learn to do these things'. Why? Why can't someone else - a plumber, an electrician, a cowshed builder - do it for me? Turn on the TV and bring me a drink!

Even now, in my life of relative financial comfort - which simply means I don't starve or worry about whether I can afford a flight to Australia [Gentlemen have sufficient private means so that unexpected situations don't become painful embarrassments: Martin Cruz Smith, 'Rose'] - I have been known to pick up the occasional weed, do a bit of vacuuming, change a light bulb. Although the last time I did the latter, a few weeks ago, the lamp holder broke [note that it was the lamp holder's fault, not mine] and now I need an electrician. Unless I am prepared to risk electrocution Doing It Myself. How much, Mr Electrician? Fine, when?

Am I behaving like a filthy capitalist? If I were a true socialist I would be living in a collective, sharing ownership of goods and chattels, helping each other out each according to their skills, exchanging our wheat for meat, no need for money,  no need for shelves. Very Soviet. Maybe I'll do that in a year or two; meantime, I'm off to the pub to spend my hard-earned filthy lucre on....myself! Bring on the champagne. Bolly Bolsheviks [Mrs Monsoon, Absolutely Fabulous].

Jura

Jura is an island of the Inner Hebrides of Scotland, with a population of 196 at the time of the 2011 census. As you might expect, it has a distillery, producing Isle of Jura single malt whisky. I'm not a whisky aficionado by any means and no doubt could not distinguish between this estimable product and the cheapest blend available on Lidl's shelves, but it's a consistent Scottish meme and we must allow them it.

On 23 August 1994 the band KLF filmed themselves burning £1 million in banknotes on Jura. KLF were also known as the Timelords and had a number 1 single called Doctorin' the Tardis in 1988. Here they are:

Another example of the BBC's insidious influence on British culture, KLF must have looked back on this and thought "this is so embarrassing we have to make a bonfire of everything we earned from this"; hence the 1994 incident.

At the other end of the culture scale, George Orwell wrote 1984 on Jura. You might have thought that KLF would reference that in their exhibitionist exploit, perhaps a two minutes of hate directed towards...money?

If you can bear it, listen to the first minute of an interview with band founders Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty about the burning:

Most likely they were ignorant of the connection between Orwell and Jura, as was I until I read another of Jenny Diski's essays Don't Think About It. Given that these essays originally appeared in the London Review of Books, it's not surprising that many of them are biography reviews and a favourite technique which Diski uses is compare and contrast, reviewing two different biographies of a subject in parallel. In this case Michael  Sheldon's biography of George Orwell and Hilary Spurling's of his widow Sonia.

George and Sonia were married for just three months, the last of George's life. It was a marriage of convenience. George knew he was dying from tuberculosis and wanted someone with literary editing experience, and whom he trusted implicitly, to manage his legacy. Sonia's end of the bargain was to manage his literary estate to her financial advantage. Thus Sonia became a controversial figure: Sheldon's view of her is unsympathetic whilst that of Spurling, a friend of Sonia's, is to largely exonerate her behaviour and rapaciousness on the grounds of having, for instance, a drunken - possibly psychopathic - stepfather.

It's an interesting technique and answers my question from an earlier blog post: what is an essay? Compare and contrast is a classic staple of English literature examinations, the student invited to write an essay using the technique. Now I know. And Diski is a master (I use that word in a non gender specific way, people, don't complain!) of it. A pleasure to read.

Mattress partner

Not what you think, people. If you're not interested in football - I believe there are such people hiding away somewhere in the world - you'd be forgiven for thinking that the commercial ethic of a football club is simple: get a sponsor to give you some cash, buy some players, win the league.

Manchester United have 23 sponsors. Last time they won the league: 2013. Actually they are called partners not sponsors.

Mlily is United's "Official Global Mattress and Pillow Partner". Based in China, they claim to have the biggest foam production base in Asia which produces close to 2 million moulded pillows every month. Obviously very relevant to a football club. Although how is beyond me. They have a vision partner (polarised lenses), a coffee partner, an electrical styling partner, an online financial trading partner, an official betting partner and a global partner Visit Malta (which seems - nothing against Malta, I've been there - a little underwhelming). I'm not naming these people 'cos I'm not giving them free air time. Nothing comes free, chaps.

I feel this blog is missing out on these cheap and easy commercial opportunities. If there's rampant capitalism going around, I should get my share of it. I can see Boots as my vision partner, Lidl instant coffee, Asda disposable razors, Santander banking, Charlie Cloggs the bookie in my local and Visit Charlestown Harbour. I could certainly do with a new mattress. Probably not a mattress partner though, so to speak. You don't have to give me cash, just goods and services. Or bitcoin.

What I could really do with are: a bionic eye partner, an anti-ageing partner, a gardening partner, a decorating my lounge partner, a jigsaw partner - now there's something Manchester United are missing out on; maybe I could get a finder's fee for introducing them to Vincent Van Gogh.

[What's that you say - he's dead? All the better, I don't need to give him a cut]

Even the once-mighty, now rather less so, Ipswich Town, have nine "partners". Much good is it doing them.

I'm on the phone to Sid Meier to see if he wants to be my gaming partner.....

[Brr brr]

"Hello Sid Meier here, inventor of the Civilization series of computer games and official gaming partner of Manchester ... [enough, I put the phone down, too late to the party]"

Local elections are not for me

For the first time, I did not cast a vote at the last UK general election. In those, I tend to vote on a broad cultural basis rather than any expectation that a particular group of politicians will be able to make a meaningful difference to me, my country or the world. In December 2019 I could not find a party whose culture I embraced in any way. Rather than signal my virtue by entering the polling booth and splashing a big NONE OF THE ABOVE MORONS across my voting slip, my indolence won the day and I stayed at home.

I am generally of the view that all governments are incompetent and eventually become corrupt. I don't mean corrupt in the sense of ministers accepting bribes or concealing their ghastly errors - more the corruption of power; the belief that they are omnipotent and can get away with any obviously crazy and authoritarian act they wish. I have no faith in politicians and I eagerly peruse the media for news of their demise. Yet I generally vote for one of them in a general election.

Local politics, on the other hand, are a complete blank to me. A mystery. I suppose I am a globalist by nature - I love travel, wallow in the histories of countries and indigenous peoples around the world and who somehow seem more interesting than those whom I meet every day in my street, pub and on the beach. I have zero knowledge of what my local council - I don't even know whether it's a parish council, district council, county council or any other kind of council; let's call it a tribal council - does. OK I interact with council services such as refuse collection but I don't imagine that is something which is changed by local politicians. I don't know whether the candidates stand as independents (which sounds like it would be best for dealing with mundane, non-controversial issues) or for Mebyon Kernow. So I don't vote.

Nigel, that's terribly irresponsible, I hear you say. Actually it's the most responsible thing I could do: I leave the voting for the local people who know whom and what they are voting for. I definitely should not stick my nose in and potentially distort the probably sensible outcomes of the election.

In general elections, I stay up all night, manipulate voting numbers and percentages in my head and enjoy it as though it were a momentous event like the moon landing. Tonight, I'll be in bed with a book.

As a Spurs fan...

..no not me. Heaven forbid! But, if you are a Tottenham Hotspur supporter - II believe they do exist - who would you like as your new manager/coach?

First though there is the Harry Kane question. If you assume that Kane will not stay at Spurs for the rest of his career - which seems likely given the club's dearth of trophies - when is the optimal time to sell him? Kane is 27, arguably in his prime. He has a contract until June 2024. He has a consistent, although slight, problem with ankle injuries - and a tendency to push himself to come back from injury before fully recovered, resulting in a game or two at less than full effectiveness. transfermarkt.co.uk estimates his value in the transfer market at £108 million, down from a high of £135 million three seasons ago. Is this an ongoing, age-related decline in value or a reflection of a difficult post-pandemic market? It's not clear but you would have to conclude that the value trend is more likely to be down than up.

In the 2018/19 season Spurs made £90 million from their run to the final; last season £61 million from a run to the round of 16; this season they were in the Europa League, which provides much lower income. Currently they are on the cusp of not being in Europe at all next season; certainly not in the Champions League. Supposing Spurs keep Kane this summer, hire a coach with a strong Champions League history and earn £60 million in 2022/23 and again in 2023/24: that's £120 million in the bank but Kane then leaves for nothing.

So the maths suggest that, if you could get £150 million for Kane this summer, that would be the optimal financial decision. There are two problems though with this scenario:

• in the post-pandemic world there are probably only five clubs which could afford that money. Of these, Barcelona and Real Madrid are hugely in debt but still pursuing as their first choices Erling Haaland (age 20) and Kylian Mbappe (age 22) respectively, so can be set aside. PSG would need a replacement for Mbappe, have Pocchetino - Kane's manager at Spurs - who would probably like to hire Kane but Leonardo, the Sporting Director, calls the shots on transfers. Which leaves the two Manchester clubs. United have posted profits in recent quarters despite the pandemic causing a decimation of match day income, so are in the ballpark for a £100+ million signing and a proven striker seems a perfect fit for their team development. City posted a staggering loss of £126 million for 2019/20, which included only three months of no match day income. They do however have something like unlimited investment possibilities from the Abu Dhabi owners.
•  The kind and quality of manager Spurs are able to attract probably depends on whether Kane is at the club.

Which brings us back to the original question. But first - why would Manchester United or City take a punt on a player whose value will halve over the period of a three year contract, where Spurs might not? Simple answer: Premier League titles. If Harry Kane costs us £60 million plus wages over three years but helps us win two League titles, job done. You might quibble that I haven't included Liverpool in the list of potential suitors but I think their owners are much more conscious of resale values, e.g. the sale of Coutinho to Barcelona enabled Liverpool to bring in Van Dijk and Alisson, which enabled them to win the League title last season.

Managers likely to be willing to come to Spurs but only if Kane is there probably include those with huge experience such as Rafa Benitez, Max Allegri and Maurizio Sarri (of those apparently available) but the list of those with a penchant for developing young players, forging a strong collective and overachieving as a club is longer: Brendan Rodgers, Roberto Martinez, Julien Lopetegui, Eddie Howe, even perhaps Gareth Southgate. Ex RB Leipzig coach Ralf Rangnick has been mentioned recently but he's 61 and that doesn't seem Daniel Levy's style.

As for a recent trend for clubs to go for distinguished ex players to bring in a strong fan support base, that has had mixed results - Frank Lampard, Stephen Gerrard, Mike Arteta, Scott Parker - and would be a punt, if you could even find one suitable. Jurgen Klinsmann's name always comes up but he's a bit of a transient with no real interest in long term visions. Spurs tried with Ossie Ardiles and he took them into the bottom half of the Premier League.

Given the recent hiring - and firing - of Jose Mourinho, it seems Spurs chairman likes big names. But that proved that there is only room for one big beast at the top for Tottenham, and it won't be the manager.

I would have thought that Brendan Rodgers would be the perfect fit but he has ruled himself out (at the moment). Maybe Martinez or Southgate after the Euros.

I'm not sure where this is going but I'm willing to bet Levy will be tempted to cash in on Kane this summer, with a big bid from Manchester City who have cleared the decks for a new striker with Aguero leaving. He will hope to engineer a bidding war between United and City and take it down to the deadline day wire. As is often the case it will come down to the player: do you want to join the League champions on almost double your current wages and play in the Champions League, Harry? Only one answer to that.

Finally, how would Tottenham replace Harry Kane? There's a ready made replacement in my opinion: Gareth Bale. I watched him on Sunday thrash a hat trick past Sheffield United (I know, it's Sheffield United) in a game where Kane was peripheral. Aged 31 but where else is he going to spend his final contract? Cash in on Kane, give Real Madrid £20 million and Bale Kane's wages and a lifetime membership of Wentworth and in three years he'll get you a bagful of goals. And he'll be happy as Larry.

What do you Spurs fans think?

Maggie Thatcher did something good

Never heard "may the force be with you"? You're not a Star Wars fan then. It's an iconic phrase first uttered, I believe, by General Dodonna to his Rebel troops just before the Battle of Yavin in Star Wars: A New Hope, the original movie of the franchise. Now called Episode IV - don't ask.

The Battle of Yavin was also known as the Battle of the Death Star, with which my loyal readers will be familiar as a result of my documenting jigsaw puzzle travails.

Here's how it's going, by the way.

In other words, slowly.

Anyway, Star Wars fans, never knowingly undersold, spotted the close pronunciations of force and fourth and have for two decades now celebrated the Fourth of May as Star Wars Day. The first formal celebration was in Toronto in 2001 but in fact “May the Fourth be with you” was first used by Margaret Thatcher’s party to congratulate her on her election on May 4th, 1979, and the saying quickly caught on. I couldn't discover the authoring genius of the Conservative party that thought of this but the phrase is now protected by trademark by LucasFilm for use in toys and for "Fan club services; entertainment services, etc. I think this blog is OK because no-one ever accused me of being entertaining. I hope the original author got recompensed.

I know plenty of my readers will never utter the phrase again as a result of my revealing its origins. If you're not one of those, what should do on Star Wars Day tomorrow? Here are some suggestions.

1. Show up to work as Darth Vader.

2. Make a Baby Yoda puppet.

3. Make some Portion Bread (Episode VII: The Force Awakens).

4. Host a virtual Star Wars fancy dress party.

5. Binge watch all nine episodes: 25 hours 7 minutes. Bring some popcorn.

Don't forget - your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren will surely ask you "what did you do on Star Wars Day?" You'd better have an answer ready.