If you can write, you can drive

In order to get a driving licence in Honduras, you have to take, and pass, a simple written questionnaire and complete a medical check, eye exam and a blood test. That's it. No practical test. Tip for visitors to Honduras: don't rent a car, the locals haven't learned how to drive!

According to zuto.com, the UK has one of the longest driving theory tests in the world, at 50 questions. The world champion? Vietnam, with a whopping 450 questions. The majority of Vietnamese drivers are extremely old, because it takes so many years to complete the theory test. It's a lot easier in Uganda, where you only need to get 25% of the 30 questions right.

Until recently, the Egyptian driving test involved just a highly tricky "drive forwards six meters; then reverse six meters". Which meant the testers didn't need any test track greater than 6 meters in length. I haven't been able to confirm what percentage of people failed this. Recently the test has been made harder (it could hardly been made easier) by the addition of an S shaped track and a parking test.

The Philippines driving test lasts about 5 minutes and includes making right turns only. There is driving on the right in the country, so presumably all Philippine roads are circular, making it awkward to get from one coast to another. Maybe there's only one road in the country, making the North Circular look pathetically small. But good for an Indy 500 perhaps. In contrast, in India - where they drive on the left - you only have to  be able turn left in the driving test.

Meanwhile, here in the UK a new Highway Code, which is described by the Government as "essential reading for all road users, including pedestrians, mobility scooter users, cyclists, horse riders, drivers and motorcyclists", has been published. It includes a new "hierarchy of road users":

1. pedestrians, in particular children, older adults (yay!) and disabled people

2. cyclists

3. horse riders

4. motorcyclists

5. Motorised vehcles

which frankly sounds what already pertains.

There are countries which require first aid training for drivers, which sounds like a good idea.

Want to know the safest countries, based on road fatalities per capita? San Marino leads with just 0 deaths per 100,000 inhabitants (the UK is 10th with 3.5). Be careful in Libya (40.5), Venezuela 37.2) or Thailand (38.1).

I'm off to San Marino for my hols. Not driving, just walking in the streets.

First Neil Young then Joni Mitchell - who's next?

Neil Young and Joni Mitchell have apparently asked for their music to be deleted from Spotify's catalogue in a fit of pique about the inclusion of podcasts by someone called Joe Rogan, who commits the ultimate sin of interviewing (and by and large agreeing with) vaccine sceptics. I believe this is called self-cancel culture.

If you were to hazard a guess as to who would be next to jump on this particular bandwagon, who would it be?

Yep you've got it; it's Harry and Meghan. They are believed to be miffed that something has gone viral without their being included, liked, followed or even noticed.

Daniel Ek is reported to be mortified. Not.

I really have no idea who Neil Young is, or Joe Rogan, but I thought you should know.

You're probably right, Paul

Last July I went to my local furniture store to find a new mattress. I came out having ordered a full package of bed, mattress and headboard. Which says much for (a) their marketing tactics and (b) my gullibility. A few weeks later came the delivery, which was fine except ... no headboard . Fast forward a few months and the headboard arrived but unfortunately wasn't the correct one. Thence to November: another headboard which ... had the wrong screw holes. Today (nearly 7 months after my order) yet another replacement arrived and ... you've got it, it was the wrong colour. As it happens I don't think I would have noticed if the delivery guys hadn't pointed it out, so I said "that's fine; I'll take it".

Anyway, I'm not going to tell you about that, as this is a serious blog not a diary of the details of my unremarkable and mundane life. Instead I'm going to talk about Paul Keating who was born 2 days after me. The former Australian Prime Minister recently grandly announced his opinion that Britain “suffers delusions of grandeur and relevance deprivation”.

I think that's probably true. Further, I thought it long before he did. Not saying he's been influenced by my blog but you never know. If you're out there Paul give us a comment. Now Keating is a long-standing supporter of an Australian republic, so perhaps you'd expect that from him. On this occasion he was incensed by remarks by UK Foreign Secretary Liz Truss that China could engage in military aggression in the Pacific as "nothing short of demented".

"The reality is Britain does not add up to a row of beans when it comes to East Asia. Britain took its main battle fleet out of East Asia in 1904 and finally packed it in with its ‘East of Suez’ policy in the 1970s. And it has never been back."

The truth, of course, is that Britain has always been guilty of overreach. Post-Empire we are a small country with a much diminished military and a couple of big bang nukes which no sane Prime Minister would ever use. Perfidious Albion is the master of bluster and bluff. Vladimir Putin will be shaking in his boots.

Government ministers are terribly fond of saying that "Britain is the best ... the UK was the first ..." in a vain attempt to believe we are still important in the world. "Best soft power ... national health service which is the envy of the world ... the Premier League is the best in Europe ...  leading the way ..." It's embarrassing. And mostly incorrect. Most of all, it's patronising to the rest of the world.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a disorder where people with this condition have an inflated idea of themselves and a need for lots of attention from other people. Sounds like us as a nation? No wonder no-one likes us ("bloody patronising poms"). Time to settle down, people, know our place and ... get rich. Like the Swiss.

I quite like my country; I'm happy living here, although I believe that, all other things being equal, I'd be just as happy in many of the world's countries. By any definition of a patriot, I am probably not one. The Bengali writer Rabindranath Tagore, the first non-European to be awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature (in 1913) wrote "I am willing to serve my country, but my worship I reserve for Right which is far greater than my country. To worship my country as a god is to bring a curse upon it."

Looking forward to sitting up against my headboard tonight, reading a book which I shall tell you about shortly.

Creeping Up

You will be pleased to know that Ipswich Town are gradually creeping up the League One table.

Since getting relegated from the Premier League in 2002, the team meandered up and down the Championship table with finishing positions ranging from 3rd to 15th - including two unsuccessful play off campaigns - before a further relegation to League One in 2019. Going through nine permanent (sic) managers and six caretakers, as well as financial administration, during that period.

I have no knowledge of the financial constraints within which managers worked under the ownership of Marcus Evans after he purchased the club in 2007 but there were clear indications with tiny transfer budgets and a number of different loan players coming in each season. Not exactly conducive to long term development. In April last year Evans sold the club to an American consortium Gamechangers 2020, who own Phoenix Rising FC, a second tier soccer club in the US. They claim they will "invest heavily" and "are committed to restoring ITFC to its former glory ".

What this means remains to be seen but on the face of it a return to the glory days of winning the First Division (1962), the FA Cup (1978) and UEFA Cup (1981) for this small town club is completely impossible. There are, and have been, small town clubs in the Premier League (Bournemouth, Burnley, Norwich, Swansea and others) but their stay has often been short term and characterised by permanent relegation battles. Still, we fans would take that, at the same time knowing that, without a wholesale restructuring of English football, it is not possible for a club with a stadium capacity of 30,000 to compete financially with clubs with 60,000+ stadium capacity, worldwide marketing presence and owned by sovereign wealth funds and hugely rich Russians, Americans and the like.

Manager Paul Cook was recruited on 2 March 2021. A month later the club was under new ownership; they finished 9th at the end of the season and in the summer there was a huge overhaul of the playing staff. Perhaps unsurprisingly, given the difficulty of effectively building a new team, the new season started very badly, with no wins after six games and the club in the relegation places. By early December we were in 11th place and the owners decided a further managerial change was necessary. Cook was sacked and replaced by Kieran McKenna, who had been a first team coach at Manchester United but has no experience as a manager. Improvements were slow in coming but the Tractor Boys are now 8th in League One and only 5 points off the play off places, with 4 wins from the last 5 matches.

I may be delusional in detecting hopes of a revival and my new found hope may prove short lived. We've tried all sorts of managers from Roy Keane to Mick McCarthy to ex Town captain Jim Magilton and none have brought the hoped for revival of fortunes, so maybe going for an unknown manager isn't any more of a gamble than they were. Ultimately though, all the managers were working under severe financial constraints. Even so, there have been plenty of clubs that have managed to achieve spectacular success by successive promotions without large amounts of money - Wigan and Bournemouth come to mind. I'm afraid Ipswich Town has not been a well-run club for years. I'm just hoping the Gamechangers will live up to their name.

I'm sad that the club rarely appears on TV and I live 360 miles from Ipswich so am unable to visually assess their performances. But I live in hope of doing so in the future, if they can just kick start a return to ... well, not glory days but at least as competitive a position as this historic club should be.

A Setback

I had some work done in my lounge. "We'll have to move this ... and this .. and ..." Whoa! Be super careful of that round table which, underneath a protective sheet, houses the most difficult jigsaw puzzle known to humankind. I say. Very much an incomplete puzzle, a work in (slow) progress.

The building work (removal and disposal of asbestos, since you ask) finished, they offer to restore all items of furniture to their original positions. But I exclude the puzzle table from that, preferring to take care of it myself. Carefully remove the sheet ... oh my! There are pieces all over the place, including the floor. Disaster! What's more, this Star Wars jigsaw is double sided and the colour of the reverse side - i.e. the more difficult side which I understandably chose to leave until the second run through - is uncannily similar to that of my lounge carpet.  Much hunting on my (sore) knees ensued and this morning I began to process of retro fitting all the loose pieces.

I'm most of the way there but have discovered a potential problem: there appears to be a piece missing. 😭 More scrabbling around on the floor. The covering sheet, meanwhile, has been through the washing machine and the tumble drier so I put my head inside those to check, also retracing the route from the lounge to the utility room. Nothing. Maybe the piece is on the puzzle table somewhere. I'll keep you informed.

On the bright side, when I got the sheet out to cover the puzzle, I found one of my lost socks (see 22 Jan). Although it no longer matters as there is now no such thing as a pair.

The Days Of Vinyl

If you're a serious hifi fan, you'll eschew digital renditions of musical classics - whether Beethoven or Woody Guthrie - in favour of classic vinyl recordings.

My earliest records were vinyl records. LPs (Long Play): 33⅓, EPs (Extended Play): 45 and Singles: 78 revolutions per minute - rpm. 12 inch, 10 inch, 7 inch.

Remember?

Anyway, I am now a vinyl. An old 78.