I'm not spending £4.99 on wood pigeons

As readers of this blog (there's an assumption there that there exists more than one; or even more than zero) will know, I have been sharing my lockdown with a variety of attractive garden birds. Or not, because all the charming little robins, sparrows, tits and finches are consistently bullied away by a gross pair of wood pigeons, who proceed to gobble the seed which I have purchased at my (now open) local garden centre.

How do I know it's the same pigeons every time? Actually I don't but never let the facts get in the way of a good story.

I'm wondering whether there is a metaphor here for our lockdown itself; memories of all those crazies stockpiling toilet rolls as though, if the world were going to end, at least their backsides (and only theirs) would be clean. The pigeons gobble up the food then sit there - waiting - and eventually start grooming. Not grooming each other; that's what apes do and there are, at the moment, none of those on my bird table. If that generous Mr G is going to keep supplying delicious food, we are going to keep eating it. And if we are full (they actually look very full), we will sit here so that no little birds can share our goldmine; we'll just stockpile.

This is a tale of greed, arrogance and sociopathic behaviour. The little guys don't get a look in; we are most definitely not all in this together (ask Emily Maitlis).

It's not that I can't afford the £4.99 for the bag of seed. I have all that cash saved from not going to the coffee shop, café, pub and cinema. And a bundle of actual cash, unused for months. I have tried all kinds of seeds and nuts (no fat balls - that's disgusting; I can't feed the birds anything I wouldn't feed my grandkids); doesn't make any difference, the bullies scoff the lot.

So finally I am going to get one of those hanging thingies with net coverings. The tits will love it; the rest, especially the wood pigeons, can go starve!