The Apostrophe Protection Society

Did you know that the Apostrophe Protection Society is a thing?

Well it isn't. Any longer. It closed its [I'm being careful here with my use or non-use of apostrophes] doors last November. Its founder John Richards wrote at the time:

With regret I have to announce that, after some 18 years, I have decided to close the Apostrophe Protection Society.

There are two reasons for this. One is that at 96 [Ed:😮] I am cutting back on my commitments and the second is that fewer organisations and individuals are now caring about the correct use of the apostrophe in the English Language.

We, and our many supporters worldwide, have done our best but the ignorance and laziness present in modern times have won!

Maybe John should care a bit more about the use of capital letters in the English language but if I am still around at the age of 96, I will be happy just to be able to write a word or two, let alone what they say or how they are expressed. Good job, John. But 'we' as a plural representing the Society as a singular entity? Not so sure.

However - there's always a however - although I am not one of the lazy ignoramuses [Ed: surely that should be ignorami? Please check with the Latin Suffix Protection Society] to whom he refers, in the context of The Apostrophe, I am a sceptic where Protection Societies are concerned.

The NSPCC, OK. RSPCA, fair enough. The Mafia, not so much. The British Hedgehog Preservation Society (President: Mrs Tiggy-Winkle) gets a bit prickly if you make jokes about them so I won't.

And explain to me why the Royals want to protect animals but not children. 

The Huddersfield Pig Protection Society (Est. 1866) seems to have missed the point of their title as their articles of association refer to the 'protection of those who keep pigs'. Apparently it was the pigs that set up the society but the keepers revolted and executed a coup. Four legs good, two legs better.

Going back to language, I could find no reference to a Punctuation Protection Society. Had there been one, William Faulkner would not have been allowed in:

"My God the cigar what would your mother say if she found a blister on her mantel just in time too look here Quentin we’re about to do something we’ll both regret I like you liked you as soon as I saw you I says he must be …”

Faulkner probably had the" Let's eat Grandad" T shirt. But he did get the apostrophes right. John Richards should have made him an honorary member. #GoTAPS

Weekly quiz #8

What to challenge my readers with this week? We've done quotations (twice), geography, two letter words, portraits, Shakespearean mini-synopses and 'guess the year'.

We bloggers like being topical so I'm going for a Halloween quiz this week.

Your score for questions 7 and 8 will be determined by your answers posted as comments.

Q1. Halloween is a contraction of All Hallows E'en, the day before the Christian All Saints Day. Which Pope inaugurated that Day?

Q2. Halloween incorporated traditions of the Samhain festival - such as wearing costumes to ward off ghosts - of what religion/culture?

Q3. There are longstanding connections between Halloween and witches. What animal is most associated with witches?

Q4. The most recent witch trial worldwide was where and when?

Q5. Which artist painted the most famous depiction of a Witches' Sabbath?

Q6. What unusual brass instrument did Hector Berlioz use in the final movement of his Symphonie Fantastique - "Songe d'une nuit du sabbat" (Dream of a Witches' Sabbath)?

Q7.  What do witches use their broomsticks for?

Q8. What is the correct, government covid-approved response to scary trick-or-treaters at your front door?

Quiz #7 answers

Q1. "Politics is a very long run game and the tortoise will usually beat the hare." John Major

Q2. "Diplomats were invented simply to waste time." David Lloyd George

Q3. "One of the things being in politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex." Margaret Thatcher

Q4. "We best avoid wars by taking even physical action to stop small ones." Anthony Eden

Q5. “Mr. President, with the greatest respect, I would prefer the American eagle's neck to be on a swivel so that it could face the olive branches or the arrows, as the occasion might demand.” Winston Churchill

Q6. "Power? It's like a Dead Sea fruit. When you achieve it, there is nothing there." Harold MacMillan

Q7. "Thank you very much... doooo doooo doo doo, right.... good." David Cameron

Q8. "We spend more on cows than the poor." Gordon Brown

Accents

Research or research? Where does the emphasis lie? When I'm chatting with my friend Tony, I emphasise the second syllable; with others, i.e. normal people 😀 it's REsearch. Is one correct?

English is a funny language because there are no written accents to show correct syllabic (as distinct from syllabub)

(mm) emphasis.

Compare the French. Number one, they have the Académie Française, which tells the minions what to say and how to say it. It publishes the Dictionnaire de l'Académie française. Very bourgeois. We Brits have the BBC.

Number two, what the French do have is accents: acute, grave, circumflex and diarhesis or trema. And the occasional cedilla. The most interesting thing I could find out about the acute accent is that it can only be used with the letter e and changes its pronunciation from uh to eh. As in liberté, égalité, fraternité. Which, as it happens, emphasises that final syllable; so why not just say that?

However, the grave accent on the letter e also makes the eh sound, as in cusinière (for those without GCSE French that's a female cook; the French are definitely not gender-woke). So why the duplication? It's that Académie again; nothing better to do.

The other French accents are even more confusing. And not strictly about emphasis, which was my original point.

So let's move on to Spanish. There are two key points: (1) every Spanish word has one and only one stress (2) If a word ends with a consonant other than ‘s’ or ‘n’, the final syllable is stressed (oxytone words), otherwise the penultimate syllable is stressed (paroxytone words). Simples. Erm, unless a syllable has an acute accent, in which case it takes the stress - as in propósito (purpose).

I have an O Level in Spanish: good choice, Nigel.

We poor Brits have none. Is obfuscation a trait of the British? Perfidious Albion; say one thing, mean another: "Oh you didn't understand the emphasis, Michel. We were not combining Great Britain and Northern Ireland, we were talking about farmers and their combine harvesters." "Mais bien sûr [there's that circunflex], Boris. Nous vous croyons."

Imagine yourself as a three year old struggling with some early reading.

What to make of:

"I present you with a present"

"I am recording your speed records"

"I am going to subject you to the subject of heteronymity"

"I will relay the result of the relay race"

"I refuse to take out the refuse"?

Better:

"I presént you with a présent"

"I am recórding your speed récords"

"I am góing to subjéct you to the súbject of heteronýmity"

"I will reláy the resúlt of the rélay race"

"I refúse to take out the réfuse"

Símples.

I think I will form the Académie Nigelaise.

I know, you are disappöinted becäuse you thöught this post would be aböut régional Énglish áccents. So, as a sop to you. here's one: [I know, the system is a work in progress]

Gan canny or we'll dunsh summick

Your guess is a good as mine.

Weekly quiz #7

This week it's quotations - specifically by British Prime Ministers. Who said the following? Even if you don't recognise them, I hope you will find the quotes interesting and perhaps worthy of family debate - maybe at lockdown Christmas?

We have had 55 Prime Ministers but you'll be relieved to know there aren't 55 questions - although I might set myself that task one day.

The longest serving PM was Robert Walpole at 20 years, 314 days; the shortest George Canning at 119 days. Gladstone served four separate terms as PM, more than anyone else.

Q1. "Politics is a very long run game and the tortoise will usually beat the hare."

Q2. "Diplomats were invented simply to waste time."

Q3. "One of the things being in politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex."

Q4. "We best avoid wars by taking even physical action to stop small ones."

Q5. “Mr. President, with the greatest respect, I would prefer the American eagle's neck to be on a swivel so that it could face the olive branches or the arrows, as the occasion might demand.”

Q6. "Power? It's like a Dead Sea fruit. When you achieve it, there is nothing there."

Q7. "Thank you very much... doooo doooo doo doo, right.... good"

Q8. "We spend more on cows than the poor."

Quiz #6 answers

Q1. What is the 9th letter of the Welsh alphabet?

ff

Q2. What area is designated by UK postcode IM?

Isle Of Man

Q3. ISO 3166-1 includes code SG for which country?

Singapore

Q4. Which British territory has the internet domain name io?

British Indian Ocean Territory

Q5. Name a two letter Japanese board game.

GO

Q6. What does the Spanish verb ir mean in English?

To go

Q7. Boris III of Bulgaria had a son Simeon with what regnal number?

II

Q8. In the periodic table of elements, which element is abbreviated as Hg?

Mercury

Raining cats and dogs

I wish I could say that this 1820 painting by George Cruikshank is the origin of the "raining cats and dogs" phrase. Actually I could say that; but it wouldn't be true.

Wikipedia describes Cruikshank as a "caricaturist and book illustrator". Not an artist? That's a bit rude. Poor George. In his time he collaborated with Charles Dickens, illustrating Oliver Twist. Whatever, it's a fun painting, one of which I would be happy to have a print on my wall.

In1651 the English poet Henry Vaughan referred to a roof that was secure against “dogs and cats rained in shower.” I couldn't find any earlier reference than that but there are many speculative notions about its origins in Norse mythology, classical Greek words, Old English words and much more. It's the kind of thing that classical scholars love to discuss over a pint of ale. Not after 10pm though.

It's possible I suppose that prehistoric cats and dogs had hind legs with large, stretchy tendons and a counterbalancing tail, enabling them to bounce around over the top of cavemen.

Like kangaroos.

Or that cats and dogs on Mars, due to the low gravity, bounce about in a similar way, and native Martians, well known for having poor eyesight, introduced the phrase to visiting earthlings.

I'm going with that.

Clearly Cruikshank got the idea from somewhere so maybe it was a popular phrase in Victorian Britain. Nowadays he'd have been excoriated by the animal rights movement, with claims that his painting would encourage people to go up in planes and drop animals onto the heads of the unbelieving public. Spoilsports.

T S Eliot wrote 15 cat poems in Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats but none about them in the rain. And none about dogs. This seems a bit remiss really, Tom. [That's Tom Eliot not tomcat]

Ryan Reynolds

The Hollywood actor Ryan Reynolds (star of Deadpool, Deadpool 2, etc. and one of the X-Men films)  is thinking of buying Wrexham Football Club. Apparently.

Reynolds is reported to have a net worth of $77 million. Now the footy crazies amongst you will know that you could get a mid-range, young and promising Premier League striker for that. Or a pretty decent goalkeeper or defender. Or one of Lionel Messi's toes. But not a top of the range club. transfermarkt.co.uk estimates Manchester United's first team squad (25 players) value as £720 million. The club itself: £4 billion.

Wrexham AFC is in the National League in England. That's not the Premier League, not the Championship, not League One, not League Two; the National League. What my friend Tony and my brother in arms Trevor would call the Fifth Division. The highest Wrexham has ever been was in 2003/4 when they were in League One (although it was called the Second Division at the time - keep up, Trevor and Tony!)

For context, the average attendance at National League matches in 2018/19 was just under 2,000. To be fair, Wrexham's is the second highest at just over 5,000. Stadium capacity is 15,500, although they don't own the stadium. The population of Wrexham is 136,000.

We are definitely not talking about a big club. So why would Reynolds and his actor pal Rob McElhenny want to buy Wrexham? Can you make money out of owning a football club? If you are the Glazers, owners of Manchester United, yes. Pretty much everyone else, no. Do you want to launder money? If you are the owners of .............................. (sorry, I don't want to end up in court), yes. In fact throwing money at a loss making entity is classic money laundering territory but there are such things as the "fit and proper owners" tests before anyone is allowed to take ownership of a professional football club. But we all know of clubs where that hasn't worked [please be careful when you comment on this, people; we could all end up in court].

Are you a sovereign nation looking to promote your country and overcome the stigma of a dodgy human rights record? If you are Manchester City, yes. Otherwise, no. Are you so rich that you don't know what to do with your money? If you are Chelsea, yes. Most others, no. Were you born in the club's town or region? Stockport County, yes. There was a famous businessman, Jack Walker, born in Blackburn, who bought Blackburn Rovers in 1991 when they were in the relegation zone of the Second Division, splashed the cash on stadium, facilities and players (notably Alan Shearer) and they won the Premier League in 1995.

These are all possible - if not reasonable or legitimate - reasons for owning a football club but Ryan Reynolds doesn't seem to qualify; he was born in Vancouver, Canada.

I play a classic computer game called Championship Manager and I get the greatest pleasure from taking over a lower league club and taking them all the way to the Champions League; it's a great feeling and if Reynolds simply wants to do that, good luck to him. He wants to put £2 million into the club which, in these times where spectators are not allowed (and therefore no income), might pay the running costs for a season with a bit to spare for some signings maybe. But I don't imagine a new owner (I hesitate to use the word investor because that implies the expectation of a return on investment) wants the money to be used on running costs. Usually they want to buy a striker! Maybe a 35 year old ex Premier League striker with dodgy knees on a one year contract to get us promotion. Readers of my "free agency" posts will know that Mario Balotelli is available.

The key to progression up the leagues is (a) ability to increase your wage bill (because wage bill has been identified as the key indicator of league position) and (b) ability to expand the stadium if you get promoted (which will probably result in higher attendances). It's not clear that the latter is possible, given the stadium is owned by Wrexham Glyndwr University and leased by the football club on a 99 year lease. And used by the Wales national team for some matches. Yes people, Wrexham is in Wales but the team plays in England.

Now there's an interesting thought: If Wrexham switched to the Welsh Premier league - the Cymru Premier - the champions of that league qualify for the first qualifying round of the UEFA Champions League. Win a few qualifying games and end up playing at home to Barcelona.

I have read various articles speculating about Reynolds' reasons for this. None of them have a clue, basically, except for one quoting a Wrexham Supporters' Club director suggesting that the guys want to make a movie and were attracted by the fact that it is the "third oldest professional club in the world that plays in the oldest international stadium anywhere in the world". Maybe a superhero movie Deadfoot starring Mario Balotelli? In the Champions League.

Until proved otherwise I'm sticking to my Championship Manager thesis: he just wants to  have fun and has a spare two mil sitting around. I look forward to further Wrexham news; if I find anything substantial, I'll share it with you. I bet you can't wait.

The length of the M23

I've just been watching Crystal Palace play Brighton. These two football clubs like to term their regular Premier League match "the M23 derby". Presumably to make up for any lack of a traditional rivalry, such as you might get with Arsenal and Tottenham, whose mutual antipathy derives from Arsenal moving from South London (originally as Woolwich Arsenal) to North London in 1913, onto Tottenham's "turf".

The term "derby" is normally used for teams in locations more or less geographically adjacent. Manchester United vs Manchester City (4 miles) is most definitely a derby; Man U vs Liverpool (33 miles) is not. No-one calls it the "M62 derby". Chelsea vs Fulham (1.8 miles) is; Chelsea vs Brentford (5.4 miles) is not. The term is most usually "local derby". Everton v Liverpool (0.9 mile) may be the closest.

How far from Crystal Palace to Brighton? 46 miles. Up the M23. Geographers amongst you may also have noticed that the M23 doesn't go to Brighton, so "A23 derby", anyone? What nonsense.

Maybe every club feels they should have a derby match in the schedule so, for Brighton, Palace are the nearest. But Newcastle don't think of their match vs Leeds as a local derby.

The term derby in this context goes back at least to the mid 19th century. Possibly down to some weird local rivalry (a village vs village punch-up?) which has been lost in the mists of time. In other words, I have no idea where it came from. Which is a pity because that's what this post was going to be about. Maybe I should do the research before I start.

In Spain, Real Madrid vs Barcelona is known as El Clásico - fierce rivalry but not a local derby.

If you were a football supporter in Wellington, New Zealand, your local professional team is Wellington Phoenix and their "derby", in terms of nearest competitor team (they play in the Australian A League), would be Sydney FC. 2,224 km away. Now there's a local derby!

Free agency news

Despite my sterling efforts on behalf of eleven destitute footballers, life remains tough for these unfortunate contributors to their countries' unemployment figures. Just two so far have had successful outcomes to their job searches. Centre forward Danny Welbeck signed for Brighton & Hove Albion on a one year deal.

It would be nice to think he can keep injury free; he has the talent to score goals for them.

And right back Nathaniel Clyne has signed a short term deal with Crystal Palace.

Centre back James Collins has decided to call it a day at the age of 37 and has retired from playing football and to "move on to my next chapter in life." Good luck for the future, James.

I still have hopes for the other eight from the original team but the question now arises whether I should replace these three with others who are available.

I think so. Here they are.

Antonio Valencia. 35. Right back. Ecuadorian international, 98 caps. Ex Wigan and Manchester United. 325 Premier League appearances, 23 goals. No history of long term injuries.

Adrian Mariappa. 34. Centre back. Jamaican international, 49 caps. Ex Reading, Crystal Palace, Watford. 168 Premier League appearances. Virtually injury free career.

Alexandre Pato. 31. Centre forward. Brazilian international, 27 caps, 10 goals. Ex AC Milan, Chelsea, Villareal. 117 Serie A appearances, 51 goals. Intermittent short term injuries only.

Peppercorns...

...all over the kitchen.

I was grinding some black pepper over my pizza when the grinder came apart. All over the kitchen; minor problem. Major problem was corns getting stuck in the mayo I had put on the pizza. Which isn't good for either the pizza or future pepper. I know, the foodies out there will be saying "get some fresh food inside you Nigel" and "mayo on pizza? weird". It's what it is; I like it. Although not so much highly peppered.

FYI it was spinach and ricotta. And I didn't eat a whole pizza. So no guilt.

Black peppercorns are dried berries from the vine Piper nigrum

healthline.com tells me that black pepper "has been deemed the 'king of spices' and used in ancient Ayurvedic medicine for thousands of years due to its high concentration of potent, beneficial plant compounds". For those of you who need me to enlighten you about Ayurvedic medicine, it's an Indian alternative medicinal system which "provides personalized recommendations about which foods to eat and avoid based on your body type" [healthline.com again]. I asked some Indians for some help but they said "sorry, we don't have anyone of your body type here, Nigel". The Indian Medical Association characterises the system as "quackery". Fake news!

Anyway I'm getting some exercise picking up all the peppercorns, as I don't want them to clog up my Dyson.

Weekly quiz #6

What shall I offer as this week's quiz topic? If I go for "one letter answers" will that be too easy? Everyone knows Bond's tech wizard Q; D is the number plate code for Germany; Juliet is the common phonetic alphabet J. What if I expanded it to two letters? That might be a bit harder. Here we go.

Q1. What is the 9th letter of the Welsh alphabet?

Q2. What area is designated by UK postcode IM?

Q3. ISO 3166-1 includes code SG for which country?

Q4. Which British territory has the internet domain name io?

Q5. Name a two letter Japanese board game.

Q6. What does the Spanish verb ir mean in English?

Q7. Boris III of Bulgaria had a son Simeon with what regnal number?

Q8. In the periodic table of elements, which element is abbreviated as Hg?

Enjoy.

Quiz #5 answers - and a great discovery

Question 1: Which country has the most islands?

Sweden. 221,800 islands.

Question 2: What is the deepest lake in the world?

Lake Baikal. 1,642m.

Question 3: Which is the smallest country by population in Europe?

Gibraltar. 33,691. The Holy See is smaller but I'm not sure that's technically a country. Or Vatican City itself. But give yourself a point if you got either of those. One interesting point I discovered whilst researching this: using worldometers.info, if I click on a country name it takes me to a screen which claims to be a live running total of population. Is that true? If I click on the most populous country in the world, check the live count then refresh five minutes later, will it reflect births and deaths in those five minutes? Let's try it:

14:17 China: 1,440,.....wait! It changed while I was typing it! That's amazing. Keep going - 1,440,849,101 at 14:19. Waiting......1,440,849,152 at 14.24. Interesting. I've just seen 50 babies born!

Wow, that's fantastic; how do they do it? Check it out at https://www.worldometers.info/world-population/population-by-country/

Question 4: How many countries are currently members of the United Nations? (you can have 5 either way)

193.

Question 5: Name a capital city whose name is two words long, both beginning with the same letter of the alphabet.

Phnom Penh. San Salvador. Addis Ababa.

Question 6: How many states does Brazil have?

26 plus one federal district (so you can have half a point for 27).

Question 7: Which EU country has a population nearest to that of Wales?

Lithuania 2,722,289 (live at 14:37 on 8 October 2020). Wales 3,230,490 (1 July 2020; nearest I could get).

Question 8: What is the most recent country to join the UN?

Montenegro. 2006.

Question 9: What is the longest capital city name?

Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Yuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratcha-thani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Phiman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit. The capital of Thailand.

Bet you thought that was Bangkok. It is.

14:48 China now has 1,440,849,409 citizens.

Eureka

We're all familiar with the tale of Archimedes shouting "Eureka" when  he stepped into the bath

and postulated his Principle, with which I shall not bore you. Enough to say that, if the ancient Greeks had showers instead of baths, ships

would never have been invented. Which would be good because there would be no seasickness in the world. And no pirates. No British Empire. He was so pleased with himself that he ran excitedly naked along the streets of Syracuse and told everyone. Although that sure sounds like a modern day fantasy tale.

Another famous Eureka (aka "aha") moment was Newton and the apple.

He noticed that the apple fell down, rather than sideways or up. He was 25 years old at the time and one wonders how he hadn't noticed objects falling for the last 25 years. Did it never rain where he lived? Or snowed? Did the snow rise rather than fall? Come on Isaac, are you a bit Forrest Gump? Anyway, he proceeded to formulate his law of gravity, which we all now know because, when you trip over your shoelaces, you fall to the ground rather than floating up in the air. Where would have been without you?

Paul McCartney woke up one morning with a tune in his head (aha). He worked it up into a song which he called "Scrambled eggs". The lyrics ran:

Scrambled eggs, oh, my baby, how I love your legs - diddle, diddle - I believe in scrambled eggs

Before the Beatles recorded it they renamed it Yesterday. And improved (presumably completely rewrote) the lyrics. Thank goodness for that.

There is a city Eureka in California. And the word is enshrined in the state motto. I believe Arnold Schwarzenegger, when he entered the state governor's residence, uttered the famous word: "Aha!". When he left of course he said "I'll be back".

I'm afraid I cannot confirm the veracity of any of the above.

Cursing Van Gogh

 Van Gogh's Starry Night is my current jigsaw puzzle.

It's apparently the view from his room in an asylum. It's dark [duh Nigel; it's night time!]. Lots of, presumably, stars. A moon which looks remarkably like the sun. Which after all is just a star, albeit a big one. To us on earth. A huge black obelisk which turns out to be a cypress tree. Partly blocking the view.

According to an (unattributed) article in vangoghgallery.com, "Blue dominates the painting, blending hills into the sky. The little village lays at the base in the painting in browns, greys, and blues." On close inspection, all the jigsaw pieces have subtle markings.

I cannot see into Vincent's mind when he paints this but I can see it from a jigsaw puzzler's perspective. It's a nightmare. Here's a blue piece; it could go anywhere in 60% of the picture. Likewise a yellow: 30%. The rest black/dark brown with no redeeming features.

How I am yearning for some bold colour contrasts; a yellow door, a green tiled roof, some black and white cows. Dear Vincent, jigsawers don't appreciate subtle! Or blending. Or browns, greys, and blues.

Oh dear, I remind myself of Kristina of Sweden's disapproval quote in Civilization 6: "I suppose you think art is great when it ties a room together, you philistine." Have I become that person?

This puzzle is going to take me until Christmas to complete. Not necessarily Christmas 2020. I shall persevere, mostly because I feel sorry for Vincent.

Careers quiz

I took the skills assessment test on the UK government's careers website.

There are 50 questions, each with five possible answers: stongly agree, agree, it depends, disagree, strongly disangree.

I did it and the outcome was:

Your answers show that:

• you like dealing with complicated problems or working with numbers
• you are a creative person and enjoy coming up with new ways of doing things
• you like to lead other people and are good at taking control of situations

The following job categories are based on the answers you have given.

Computing, technology and digital

After three more questions, three jobs were suggested:

Information scientist

Information scientists manage an organisation's information resources and make sure it's all readily available.

IT security co-ordinator

IT security co-ordinators protect their clients' data from unauthorised access, theft and misuse.

Technical architect

Technical architects help plan, design and build IT systems for clients.

Frankly, those all sound far too much like hard work. And it's all about machines rather than people. Nothing about teaching! But I don't think I was ever a good teacher anyway.

I was actually hoping it would come up with: "you should become a blogger".

Quiz with answers

I decided that these questions may be too hard for normal people, so I'm providing the answers.

1. What is the name of Donald Trump's father?

Frederick Christ Trump.

Christ? Wow. That explains everything.

2. How many billionaires are there in the world?

2,825 (as of 2019). All of them have houses in London.

3a. Which UK Minister approved a government grant of £25 million to the Newark constituency?

Jake Berry, Minister of State for the Northern Powerhouse and Local Growth at the Cabinet Office and the Ministry of Housing, Communities and Local Government. MP for Rossendale and Darwen.

3b. Which UK Minister approved a government grant to Darwen in the Rossendale and Darwen constituency?

Robert Jenrick, Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Local Government, MP for Newark.

Buddies. Looking out for each other. As you do.

4. What is the first name of the UK Prime Minister?

Alexander.

5. How many words in Boris Johnson's full name?

Five. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

6. What is a Pfeffel?

It's what Boris gets into when he can't answer a question. Synonyms: kerfuffle, waffle, piffle, ruffled, reshuffle.

7. What is the shortest piece of music?

"2 seconds". It's my version of John Cage's "4 minutes 33 seconds". It lasts two seconds. I sing it every morning during breakfast.

8. What is the longest piece of music?

As SLow aS Possible. By John Cage. Being performed at St. Burchardi church in Halberstadt, Germany, since 2001 and scheduled to finished in 2640. You knew that one!

9. Where is the planet Zog?

The planet Zog is a gigantic brown planet that floats 400 million light years from Earth. The planet's surface is made of chocolate and lumpy cream cheese.

10. Who lives on Zog?

The zargles.

Enough, Nigel. Do something useful.

Free agents

Dear needy football clubs,

The transfer windows have closed. At least most of them. But the domestic window is still open in the UK. Better still, unattached players can be signed outside transfer windows. So a few tips, brave lower league clubs, on who is available. Pay per play deals? Pay per goal?

There's a whole team here (4-3-3 formation) so, if you are thinking of starting a pub team, here they are.

Heurelho Gomes. 39. Goalkeeper. Brazilian international, 8 caps. Ex Spurs, Watford. Perfect age for a goalie. No injuries.

Nathaniel Clyne. 29. Right back. English international, 14 caps. Ex Liverpool, Southampton. Missed 48 games with cruciate ligament injury 2019/20.

Gael Clichy. 35. Left back. French international, 20 caps. Ex Man City, Arsenal. No history of  long term injuries.

Ashley Williams. 36. Centre back. Welsh international, 86 caps, many as captain. Ex Everton, Swansea. Almost completely injury free over many years.

James Collins. 37. Welsh international partner of Ashley Williams (2 for the price of 1?), 50 caps. Ex Aston Villa, West Ham and recently Ipswich Town. No recent injuries other than those associated with the rigours of playing against bullying strikers of the like of Andy Carroll.

Tom Huddlestone. 33. Defensive midfielder. England international, 4 caps. Ex Spurs, Hull City, Derby County. 242 Premier League appearances, 11 goals. Only 57 days injured (hamstring) since 2013.

Shinji Kagawa. 31. Attacking midfielder. Japan international, 97 caps, 31 goals. Ex Man Utd, Borussia Dortmund, recently Real Zaragoza. No serious injuries.

Jack Wilshere. 28. Midfield playmaker. England international, 34 caps, 2 goals. Ex Arsenal, Bournemouth, West Ham. Genius. Highly injury prone (792 days injured last 4 years). Apparently wants "to try something different". How about League One with Ipswich Town, Jack?

Daniel Sturridge. 31. Striker. England international, 26 caps, 8 goals. Ex Liverpool, Chelsea, Man City. Last seen playing in Turkey for Trabzonspor, so playing for Wycombe Wanderers in the Championship should be pretty similar.  Injury prone, mostly constant niggling injuries rather than serious long-term ones.

Danny Welbeck. 29. Striker. England international, 42 caps, 16 goals. Ex Man Utd, Arsenal and Watford. Plenty more left in the tank, I'd guess. Probably wouldn't come cheap. Injury prone (774 days injured last 5 years).

Mario Balotelli. 30. Italy international, 36 caps, 14 goals. Ex Inter, Man City, AC Milan, Liverpool, Nice, Marseille, Brescia (a pattern there?). 52 goals in Serie A, 41 in Ligue 1, 21 in the Premier League, 8 in the Champions League - need I go on? Virtually injury free. Get him to play and you've got a player.

Now that's a pub team ⚽

Yours,

Nigel
Free agent agent consultant.

Thanks to transfermarkt.co.uk for a terrific database.

Here they come!

I became interested in what music is played in football stadiums when their team comes onto the pitch for a match. Why do they make the choice?

I was watching a match at the Emirates Stadium involving the home team Arsenal. They came out to London Calling by The Clash. It's a fairly tepid punk rock song, starting:

London calling to the faraway towns
Now war is declared and battle come down

Presumably whoever chose it saw the forthcoming match as a war. Sheffield United was the faraway town. Maybe it worked - Arsenal won - but my recent experience of Arsenal players is that they see a game of football more of a stroll in the park than a war.

They used to run out to Motorhead's The Game. This is more like it, throbbing heavy metal - if the players aren't up for it after this, they never will be.

It's time to play the game
Time to play the game! Hahaha
It's all about the game and how you play it.
All about control and if you can take it.

Probably the most recognisable of team entry music is Liverpool's You'll Never Walk Alone by Gerry and the Pacemakers. Frankly I don't see how the team could be inspired by this dreary song.

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown

There is a lot of wind and rain in Liverpool though so maybe the players are being encouraged to revel in the stormy weather. Not so effective in May, perhaps.

What about West Ham? They come out to:

I'm forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air,
They fly so high,
Nearly reach the sky,
Then like my dreams,
They fade and die.

Seriously? You think this will encourage your guys? I guess West Ham fans would find the last two lines pretty indicative of the last few seasons.

Manchester City enter to the 1934 song Blue Moon.

Blue Moon, Blue Moon, Blue Moon
Moon, moon, moon, Blue Moon
Moon, moon, moon, Blue Moon

And you complain when your players start the match sleepy?

I guess some fans just like to have a sing song, which you can easily do to Blue Moon or Bubbles, or an emotional wallowing with Walk Alone, but not so much with Motorhead.

Good news for cats

I learned a new word today.

Smize.

I'm told it means to smile with your eyes. Invented by the catwalk model Tyra Banks in 2009.

Acknowledgement to Rhys Blakeley, Science Correspondent of the Times for this information.

Apparently researchers from the University of Sussex's School of Psychology did some experiments with one of their researchers smizing at cats and seeing which of them responded. They discovered that if you 'slow motion blink' at a cat, it slow motion blinks back.

This was published in a journal called Scientific Reports.

I really don't know what to make of this incredibly useless and fatuous piece of "information". Does it work on owls?

These people should get out more.

Weekly quiz #5 geography

I generally reckon to be a bit of a wiz at geography. It was my favourite school subject; atlases are my favourite books. They fire my imagination. I could close my eyes, stick a pin in a map of the world then look: "I'm going to go there". I still haven't been to Siberia. I fondly remember when maps were covered in pink for the British Empire. Ah the good old days. Nowadays only St Helena. And a few other tiny dots on the maps, so small you can't see they're pink. In a pub quiz team I can specialise in geography, history, politics and football. Popular music and culture, not so much, which is a problem since that's 90% of pub quiz questions.

I digress. This week's quiz subject is Geography. Enjoy!

Question 1 (I always like to start easy and gradually increase the tension): Which country has the most islands?

Question 2: What is the deepest lake in the world?

Question 3: Which is the smallest country by population in Europe?

Question 4: How many countries are currently members of the United Nations? (you can have 5 either way)

Question 5: Name a capital city whose name is two words long, both beginning with the same letter of the alphabet.

Question 6: How many states does Brazil have?

Question 7: Which EU country has a population nearest to that of Wales?

Question 8: What is the most recent country to join the UN?

Question 9: What is the longest capital city name?

Quiz #4 answers

Quote 1: "All warfare is based on deception" Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Quote 2: "I am become death, the  destroyer of worlds" Robert Oppenheimer, after the Bhagavad Gita

Quote 3: "For 10 years we in the Tory party have become used to Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing" Boris Johnson

Quote 4: "Democratic societies are unfit for the publication of such thunderous revelations as I am in the habit of making" Salvador Dali

Quote 5: "I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals" Winston Churchill

Quote 6: "Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past" George Orwell in '1984'

Quote 7: "If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there’d be peace" John  Lennon

Grandparents are cool

Today is National Grandparents Day.

Let's hear it for all of us oldies!

Not good enough, tippy tappy clapping. Let's have a big cheer!

That's better.

Apparently it's been celebrated here in the UK since 1990 but I've never heard of it before. It seems my grandkids haven't either; wake up, boys! Where are the flowers, chocs, bottles of wine, tins of caviar? Maybe a tiny card?

I'll be celebrating it watching football (o-oh, half my audience just left; I should have left that until the end). Imbibing the wine and chocs I have supplied for myself 😒

In Canada, National Grandparents Day was initiated in 1995 then discontinued in 2014. Presumably because they didn't get any wine or chocs so why bother? The French version is sponsored by a coffee company. Costa, send me some beans; I've been a customer for years! The Taiwanese day was started by the Ministry of Education. Gavin, are you listening?

I could find no record of a National Grandparents Day in Russia, North Korea or Sweden. Meanies.

Boys, in case you think grandpeople are losing their marbles - Albert Einstein was a grandpa and no-one ever accused him of being crazy. Although he was reputed to have formulated his theory of relativity after dreaming about cows being electrocuted

I have just five grandchildren. Way behind Wilson Kettle, a Canadian, who had 65. Yep, you heard that correctly. He's in the Guinness Book of World Records; as he should be. He lived to the age of 102. I bet he got some chocolates.

Drive through flu jab

Next week I shall be having my flu jab. In the car park at the Eden Project. I will drive into a marked bay, wind my window down, get the jab, drive away. Sponsored by McDonalds [no, I made that last bit up, although you might think they missed a marketing opportunity there].

This sounds such a cool idea, I wondered what other aspects of life would be amenable to the drive through approach.

Obviously drive through fast food and coffee shops are familiar and, as a result of the pandemic, prescription pick ups and Covid testing now take place but I'm thinking outside the box.

I discovered that you can do drive through marriage in - guess where - Las Vegas.

How does that work? Do the bride and groom arrive from opposite sides of the drive through booth? In that case how does "you may now kiss the bride" work? Weird.

Also in the US - of course - mourners at a funeral can drive by at the funeral home to express their condolences. And a Congressman in Pennsylvania has a drive through window for constituency consultations. And McDonalds opened a ski through service - McSki - in Sweden.

There's nothing particularly wacky about these in the New Normal.

How about a drive through tree? That's just silly, you say. What would be the point? Good question.

Watch the roof rack though.

I'm not a Catholic so I probably shouldn't comment on their affairs but a drive through confessional seems an obvious application.

How about a drive through postman? Pull up outside the post office, scan your ID, QR code

or whatever; pick up your mail and deposit your pre-stamped letters to be sent. We would no longer need posties or draughty letter boxes and I would no longer receive incessant piles of junk mail. Very COVID-friendly. Sign me up!

They could even operate a "share a meal" service. Instead of food bank containers in supermarkets (always positioned after the checkout, so that I slap my forehead and mutter "darn it, forgotten it again"), those of us inclined to cooking delicious meals could deposit a lasagne (here's one I made earlier)

or whatever at the post office and people who need food banks could be given a food box when they pulled up. An obvious flaw in this is that people who need food banks maybe don't have a car, so there would have to be cycle through facilities. Or a lane for buses.

I'd quite like my government to consider these obvious and practical steps instead of wasting valuable time coming up with crazy schemes to use water cannon to create waves to push back migrant boats in the Channel. Or building floating walls in the sea. Or constructing an asylum processing centre on St Helena

(it worked for Napoleon). FYI I am not making these up, nor is it April 1st (at least not when I am writing this stuff).

And I'm not going to get into politics on this blog. Except maybe a drive through asylum processing centre:

"just pull over here, madam. Got your ID? No ID? Please do a U turn and drive to Terminal SH for the ferry to St Helena. Have a nice  day"

Weekly quiz #4 who said this?

Tell me who uttered these wise sayings. Where a person re-quoted another person's quote, you are allowed either but you get a bonus point if you get both (or all).

I thought I'd dial down the difficulty level a bit this week! Hope you all appreciate that.

Quote 1: "All warfare is based on deception"

Quote 2: "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds"

Quote 3: "For 10 years we in the Tory party have become used to Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing"

Quote 4: "Democratic societies are unfit for the publication of such thunderous revelations as I am in the habit of making"

Quote 5: "I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals"

Quote 6: "Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past"

Quote 7: "If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there’d be peace"

Good luck!

Quiz #3 answers

 Year 1: 2012

• David Cameron left his eight year old daughter at a pub
• Malala Yousafzai was shot by a member of the Taliban
• Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her jubilee
• London hosted the Olympic Games

Year 2: 1999

• The United States Senate tried, and acquitted, President Clinton for high crimes and misdemeanours
• The world's population first exceeded six billion
• The European Union introduced the Euro currency
• Shakespeare in Love won Best Picture at the Academy Awards

Year 3: 1962

• Ipswich Town won the First Division in England
• Jamaica gained its independence
• Marilyn Monroe died
• John Steinbeck won the Nobel Prize for Literature

Year 4: 1300

• Robert the Bruce defeated Edward II and declared Scotland independent
• It was a leap year
• Amsterdam was officially declared a city
• Giotto completed the Badia Polyptych

Year 5: 1933

• The London Underground map was unveiled
• Adolf Hitler appointed Chancellor of Germany
• England won The Ashes in Australia, unleashing bodyline bowling tactics against their opponents
• FM radio patented

Year 6: 1813

• Richard Wagner born
• Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice published anonymously in London
• Prussia declared war on France
• The battle of Stoney Creek took place

Year 7: 1940

• The first Tom and Jerry cartoon made
• John Lennon born
• A new car in the USA cost $850
• Rebecca won Best Picture at the Academy Awards