Apologies if you heard any inappropriate language

This goes down as one of the most banal statements ever by football commentators. Ever since football has been on TV when there are no spectators, you can usually select to watch with either fake crowd noise, which is obviously absurd, or with just the stadium sounds. With 22 players and around 6 coaches shouting instructions - or abuse - at each other, you can hear quite a lot of what is said.

These are vigorous, highly motivated (although that applies to some more than others) young men and it's unrealistic to expect them to say "pardon me but I think you accidently kicked me" or "excuse me referee, I think you made a small error there".

If you really think this is how footballers should speak, you are probably watching the wrong sport and would be better served by show jumping. Or croquet, although I have been known to... no I'm not going there.

In any case, usually we haven't heard anything at all, but as soon as you hear or see the apology message you think "wait! what did they say? I missed it".

Broadcasters take varying approaches to this "problem". Some have a kind of ticker tape notification, others instruct the commentator to offer the apology - for swearing or "bad" or "inappropriate language". Frankly it's ludicrous. If you are sensitive to impolite language, you could:

• watch with the fake crowd noise on, or
• watch with the sound off (there are advantages to this, in that you don't hear the nonsense spouted by commentators and co-commentators), or
• watch snooker

In any case, who decides what is "inappropriate"? Or "swearing"? I won't quote examples on this family-friendly blog but I would contend that industrial language is entirely appropriate for football. So it would be more honest to say "apologies for appropriate language". Broadcasters, take note.

I did a bit of research into what constitutes inappropriate language in this context and, not surprisingly, I decided it's best not to quote any, however absurd some of them might seem.

It's also true that most of my language while watching my favourites teams is, although both appropriate and deserved, not something I would have wanted my mother to hear. And possibly worse than anything the players might say. I just wish they could hear my advice and act on it.

Now I do realise that the broadcasters are simply following Ofcom rules, and that most matches start before the 9pm watershed but really? It's football; take it or leave it.

Here's my suggestion as to what the message might say:

"If you are offended by any of the language that you heard, please note that your television set, or streaming device, has an OFF button."