Eureka

We're all familiar with the tale of Archimedes shouting "Eureka" when  he stepped into the bath

and postulated his Principle, with which I shall not bore you. Enough to say that, if the ancient Greeks had showers instead of baths, ships

would never have been invented. Which would be good because there would be no seasickness in the world. And no pirates. No British Empire. He was so pleased with himself that he ran excitedly naked along the streets of Syracuse and told everyone. Although that sure sounds like a modern day fantasy tale.

Another famous Eureka (aka "aha") moment was Newton and the apple.

He noticed that the apple fell down, rather than sideways or up. He was 25 years old at the time and one wonders how he hadn't noticed objects falling for the last 25 years. Did it never rain where he lived? Or snowed? Did the snow rise rather than fall? Come on Isaac, are you a bit Forrest Gump? Anyway, he proceeded to formulate his law of gravity, which we all now know because, when you trip over your shoelaces, you fall to the ground rather than floating up in the air. Where would have been without you?

Paul McCartney woke up one morning with a tune in his head (aha). He worked it up into a song which he called "Scrambled eggs". The lyrics ran:

Scrambled eggs, oh, my baby, how I love your legs - diddle, diddle - I believe in scrambled eggs

Before the Beatles recorded it they renamed it Yesterday. And improved (presumably completely rewrote) the lyrics. Thank goodness for that.

There is a city Eureka in California. And the word is enshrined in the state motto. I believe Arnold Schwarzenegger, when he entered the state governor's residence, uttered the famous word: "Aha!". When he left of course he said "I'll be back".

I'm afraid I cannot confirm the veracity of any of the above.

Cursing Van Gogh

 Van Gogh's Starry Night is my current jigsaw puzzle.

It's apparently the view from his room in an asylum. It's dark [duh Nigel; it's night time!]. Lots of, presumably, stars. A moon which looks remarkably like the sun. Which after all is just a star, albeit a big one. To us on earth. A huge black obelisk which turns out to be a cypress tree. Partly blocking the view.

According to an (unattributed) article in vangoghgallery.com, "Blue dominates the painting, blending hills into the sky. The little village lays at the base in the painting in browns, greys, and blues." On close inspection, all the jigsaw pieces have subtle markings.

I cannot see into Vincent's mind when he paints this but I can see it from a jigsaw puzzler's perspective. It's a nightmare. Here's a blue piece; it could go anywhere in 60% of the picture. Likewise a yellow: 30%. The rest black/dark brown with no redeeming features.

How I am yearning for some bold colour contrasts; a yellow door, a green tiled roof, some black and white cows. Dear Vincent, jigsawers don't appreciate subtle! Or blending. Or browns, greys, and blues.

Oh dear, I remind myself of Kristina of Sweden's disapproval quote in Civilization 6: "I suppose you think art is great when it ties a room together, you philistine." Have I become that person?

This puzzle is going to take me until Christmas to complete. Not necessarily Christmas 2020. I shall persevere, mostly because I feel sorry for Vincent.

Careers quiz

I took the skills assessment test on the UK government's careers website.

There are 50 questions, each with five possible answers: stongly agree, agree, it depends, disagree, strongly disangree.

I did it and the outcome was:

Your answers show that:

• you like dealing with complicated problems or working with numbers
• you are a creative person and enjoy coming up with new ways of doing things
• you like to lead other people and are good at taking control of situations

The following job categories are based on the answers you have given.

Computing, technology and digital

After three more questions, three jobs were suggested:

Information scientist

Information scientists manage an organisation's information resources and make sure it's all readily available.

IT security co-ordinator

IT security co-ordinators protect their clients' data from unauthorised access, theft and misuse.

Technical architect

Technical architects help plan, design and build IT systems for clients.

Frankly, those all sound far too much like hard work. And it's all about machines rather than people. Nothing about teaching! But I don't think I was ever a good teacher anyway.

I was actually hoping it would come up with: "you should become a blogger".

Quiz with answers

I decided that these questions may be too hard for normal people, so I'm providing the answers.

1. What is the name of Donald Trump's father?

Frederick Christ Trump.

Christ? Wow. That explains everything.

2. How many billionaires are there in the world?

2,825 (as of 2019). All of them have houses in London.

3a. Which UK Minister approved a government grant of £25 million to the Newark constituency?

Jake Berry, Minister of State for the Northern Powerhouse and Local Growth at the Cabinet Office and the Ministry of Housing, Communities and Local Government. MP for Rossendale and Darwen.

3b. Which UK Minister approved a government grant to Darwen in the Rossendale and Darwen constituency?

Robert Jenrick, Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Local Government, MP for Newark.

Buddies. Looking out for each other. As you do.

4. What is the first name of the UK Prime Minister?

Alexander.

5. How many words in Boris Johnson's full name?

Five. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

6. What is a Pfeffel?

It's what Boris gets into when he can't answer a question. Synonyms: kerfuffle, waffle, piffle, ruffled, reshuffle.

7. What is the shortest piece of music?

"2 seconds". It's my version of John Cage's "4 minutes 33 seconds". It lasts two seconds. I sing it every morning during breakfast.

8. What is the longest piece of music?

As SLow aS Possible. By John Cage. Being performed at St. Burchardi church in Halberstadt, Germany, since 2001 and scheduled to finished in 2640. You knew that one!

9. Where is the planet Zog?

The planet Zog is a gigantic brown planet that floats 400 million light years from Earth. The planet's surface is made of chocolate and lumpy cream cheese.

10. Who lives on Zog?

The zargles.

Enough, Nigel. Do something useful.

Free agents

Dear needy football clubs,

The transfer windows have closed. At least most of them. But the domestic window is still open in the UK. Better still, unattached players can be signed outside transfer windows. So a few tips, brave lower league clubs, on who is available. Pay per play deals? Pay per goal?

There's a whole team here (4-3-3 formation) so, if you are thinking of starting a pub team, here they are.

Heurelho Gomes. 39. Goalkeeper. Brazilian international, 8 caps. Ex Spurs, Watford. Perfect age for a goalie. No injuries.

Nathaniel Clyne. 29. Right back. English international, 14 caps. Ex Liverpool, Southampton. Missed 48 games with cruciate ligament injury 2019/20.

Gael Clichy. 35. Left back. French international, 20 caps. Ex Man City, Arsenal. No history of  long term injuries.

Ashley Williams. 36. Centre back. Welsh international, 86 caps, many as captain. Ex Everton, Swansea. Almost completely injury free over many years.

James Collins. 37. Welsh international partner of Ashley Williams (2 for the price of 1?), 50 caps. Ex Aston Villa, West Ham and recently Ipswich Town. No recent injuries other than those associated with the rigours of playing against bullying strikers of the like of Andy Carroll.

Tom Huddlestone. 33. Defensive midfielder. England international, 4 caps. Ex Spurs, Hull City, Derby County. 242 Premier League appearances, 11 goals. Only 57 days injured (hamstring) since 2013.

Shinji Kagawa. 31. Attacking midfielder. Japan international, 97 caps, 31 goals. Ex Man Utd, Borussia Dortmund, recently Real Zaragoza. No serious injuries.

Jack Wilshere. 28. Midfield playmaker. England international, 34 caps, 2 goals. Ex Arsenal, Bournemouth, West Ham. Genius. Highly injury prone (792 days injured last 4 years). Apparently wants "to try something different". How about League One with Ipswich Town, Jack?

Daniel Sturridge. 31. Striker. England international, 26 caps, 8 goals. Ex Liverpool, Chelsea, Man City. Last seen playing in Turkey for Trabzonspor, so playing for Wycombe Wanderers in the Championship should be pretty similar.  Injury prone, mostly constant niggling injuries rather than serious long-term ones.

Danny Welbeck. 29. Striker. England international, 42 caps, 16 goals. Ex Man Utd, Arsenal and Watford. Plenty more left in the tank, I'd guess. Probably wouldn't come cheap. Injury prone (774 days injured last 5 years).

Mario Balotelli. 30. Italy international, 36 caps, 14 goals. Ex Inter, Man City, AC Milan, Liverpool, Nice, Marseille, Brescia (a pattern there?). 52 goals in Serie A, 41 in Ligue 1, 21 in the Premier League, 8 in the Champions League - need I go on? Virtually injury free. Get him to play and you've got a player.

Now that's a pub team ⚽

Yours,

Nigel
Free agent agent consultant.

Thanks to transfermarkt.co.uk for a terrific database.

Here they come!

I became interested in what music is played in football stadiums when their team comes onto the pitch for a match. Why do they make the choice?

I was watching a match at the Emirates Stadium involving the home team Arsenal. They came out to London Calling by The Clash. It's a fairly tepid punk rock song, starting:

London calling to the faraway towns
Now war is declared and battle come down

Presumably whoever chose it saw the forthcoming match as a war. Sheffield United was the faraway town. Maybe it worked - Arsenal won - but my recent experience of Arsenal players is that they see a game of football more of a stroll in the park than a war.

They used to run out to Motorhead's The Game. This is more like it, throbbing heavy metal - if the players aren't up for it after this, they never will be.

It's time to play the game
Time to play the game! Hahaha
It's all about the game and how you play it.
All about control and if you can take it.

Probably the most recognisable of team entry music is Liverpool's You'll Never Walk Alone by Gerry and the Pacemakers. Frankly I don't see how the team could be inspired by this dreary song.

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown

There is a lot of wind and rain in Liverpool though so maybe the players are being encouraged to revel in the stormy weather. Not so effective in May, perhaps.

What about West Ham? They come out to:

I'm forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air,
They fly so high,
Nearly reach the sky,
Then like my dreams,
They fade and die.

Seriously? You think this will encourage your guys? I guess West Ham fans would find the last two lines pretty indicative of the last few seasons.

Manchester City enter to the 1934 song Blue Moon.

Blue Moon, Blue Moon, Blue Moon
Moon, moon, moon, Blue Moon
Moon, moon, moon, Blue Moon

And you complain when your players start the match sleepy?

I guess some fans just like to have a sing song, which you can easily do to Blue Moon or Bubbles, or an emotional wallowing with Walk Alone, but not so much with Motorhead.