Butchers and referees

Everything is now viewed through a 'shortage' lens. Today's Times reports that "Britain is facing a shortage of butchers amid warnings that pigs in blankets, hams and party foods will be scarce this Christmas". And in the sports pages, "it has become a weekly scramble to find [referees] to take charge of matches, largely around London". "If he knows the rules and has a whistle, we'll take him" said someone from the Amateur Football Alliance. If only I didn't live 300 miles away ...

The solution is obvious: find some areas of surplus, too many people doing things that are at best useless at worst unnecessary. Start with the House of Lords. Here's your challenge for today, dear reader: locate your nearest member of that esteemed body, give him a lorry, her a cleaver and a dead cow, it a whistle [we're gender-inclusive here] and they can drive to the slaughterhouse, chop up the cow, deliver the meat to the butcher's shop, pick up and deliver some dirty diesel to the petrol station forecourts every Monday through Friday then, on Saturdays, referee Local United v Nearby Wanderers. Sundays, go and collect their attendance allowance at the House of Lords. There are 788 of them, for heaven's sake!  Make them useful.

No doubt my erudite readers will have suggestions for other surplus professions; let's hear them!

My guess is the government will be storing up all these apparent problems for a month and then, at the UN Climate Change Conference Cop26 in Glasgow, announcing "great strides by the United Kingdom towards achieving our carbon neutral goals by:

• reducing the number of lorries on our roads
• reducing the number of petrol and diesel cars on our roads
• reducing the numbers of cows and pigs eaten by our people
• nominating the 25th of December as "vegetarian Christmas Day"
• improving the health of our nation with a pilot scheme in which 788 extremely old people [of all genders] 'volunteered' to take part in a trial of the new 'Saturday running about and blowing a whistle' scheme"

What a dramatic announcement this would be! The whole world will be applauding ... until they realise that, if you don't eat the cows and pigs, they'll all be carrying on doing what they do, which is producing tons and tons of methane. "It has been estimated that methane gas from cows is 23x more damaging to our climate than the carbon dioxide produced by cars": check out cows v cars at ourfuture.energy.

Start stockpiling those pigs and blankets, people.

News from the Front

Supplies report for St Austell on 29th September 2021

Petrol and diesel: ✅

The new Guinness Zero large advertising placard (Tesco) : ✅

Actual bottles/cans of Guinness Zero: ❌

CO_2: ✅ (based on a rum and raisin ice cream eaten in the cause of research)

Wind: ❌

Why wind? Apparently the immediate cause of the UK's current energy problems is a lack of wind. A few calm days and the UK has to fire up dirty coal power stations. In Monday's Times, respected (by me) columnist Edward Lucas wrote that "our current system depends too much on gas (vulnerable to supply shocks) and wind (vulnerable to the weather). This will get worse as we decommission our remaining coal and nuclear power plants." He goes on to propose investment in small nuclear reactors but surely we can find a way to generate more wind.

If the whole population of the UK were to be tasked to undertake a synchronized 'blow' - all of us blowing hard in the direction of the nearest wind farm - every day at 11:00 (just like people used to do to 'clap for the NHS') I'm pretty certain we could generate enough to power the country for the next 24 hours. With me? 1-2-3 blooooooooooooooooooow:

Imelda Marcos

When I played croquet, I used a mallet with a square brass head. As you can see

I use an asymmetric stance with a narrow gap between my feet, through which the mallet swings as I set up the rhythm for my stroke. Sometimes, if my swing is not smooth, the edge of the brass head clips my ankle bone. Which is extremely painful. So I bought a pair of high sided trainers to give protection.

I have a favourite pair of shoes. The most comfortable I have ever had. Leather soles and uppers. Had them for years. The only problem is that they leak in the rain. In those conditions I revert to a pair of suede shoes which are relatively comfortable but, with very hard, wide soles, are not good when driving.

I have another pair of suede shoes. Not only are these extremely smart but they are blue.

 

Because they have long, pointy toes they are very unsuitable for driving. They might get used once a year on average. So why did I buy them? It was a whim; I went into Clark's looking for something comfortable and everyday and came out with the opposite.

What else? Well sandals obviously, for those few days each year when I can wear shorts. I hate sandals and get mocked by some (unnamed) people for wearing socks with them. So I have to buy those horrid "no show" jogging socks. Having said that, it may be that wearing normal socks with sandals may no longer be a 'fashion faux pas' as Mr Wiki claims. glamour.com (obviously bookmarked by cool grandads) tells me that lockdown/quarantine has brought it back into trendy fashion. You wait long enough and your grandad's attire will be voguish, kids!

Also a regular pair of trainers. I like these but they suffer from the disadvantage of taking a considerable time to tie/untie the laces. Particularly time-consuming and awkward when you go into someone's house.

So that's me: six pairs. Not an excessive number, I'd say. Unlike Imelda Marcos who, in 1986 when her husband the Philippine President was ousted in a revolution, was found to have 3,000 pairs. Wikipedia reports that "She and her husband Ferdinand hold the Guinness World Record for the Greatest Robbery of a Government". But not for the most pairs of shoes; that record goes to one Darlene Flynn, an American with16,400 pairs.

I have some way to go to catch up.

See Oh Two

I have an A level in Chemistry, so I know all about carbon dioxide. Including the fact that, when dining in Charlestown recently, there were no desserts as "we can't make ice because we have no CO₂". Apparently we (the country; maybe the world) are suffering from a severe lack of carbon dioxide. This is definitely news to the climate, which is suffering because we have too much of it.

CO₂ is used in nuclear power stations, fizzy drinks, growing plants in greenhouses, stunning animals before slaughter, packaging food (extending shelf life by preventing bacteria), winemaking, as a refrigerant and for removing caffeine from coffee.

It's most commonly made as a by product of fertilizer manufacture and the UK government has given CF Fertilizers millions of pounds to restart its production, which had ceased because of the rise in wholesale gas prices.

According to the Brewers Association, "carbon dioxide quality is essential to finished beer quality, contributing to sensory outcomes, beer foam, mouthfeel, and shelf stability."

So please get this sorted - I need my beer, decaf coffee, ice cream and other sensory outcomes.

A Reward for your Loyalty

Buying my morning coffee in Asda, I was certain I had a 'free one' on my loyalty card. Searching in my wallet I found... my barber's card. Seven more haircuts and the following one is free!

Next came the card for No. 1 Cubs. Suppliers of Cornish coffee and clothing. They have a coffee stall, with rustic outdoor seating

and a clothing cabin, selling rather nice T shirts and the like, at picturesque Charlestown Harbour. The best loyalty offer yet - buy 6 get your 7th free! I have 2 stamps so far.

The Tea Room at the St Austell Garden Centre

provides the next two cards. One for hot drinks (6 stamps out of the 7 needed before a free decaf tea) and the other for cakes. Yippee! My next cake is free!

There's a queue behind me now. Finally, I find my Asda hot drink card. Only one stamp on it. Boo. Another 6 before I can claim the free one.

Perhaps I need a bigger wallet.

I think I'll save them all up and have a non-spending spree all in one day: breakfast coffee, mid morning coffee, haircut, tea and cake. What's not to like?

I guess you're thinking "why is he blathering on about his unexceptional life? And thinking we'll be engrossed?" The thing is, this is number 8 in the latest series of posts. Remember when you grumbled about me having 12 days off? This is your loyalty reward: read 7 and get one free!

Be careful what you wish for.

Broken markets

The electricity market place has sustained a bit of a collapse. I have first hand experience of two of the suppliers which have recently gone bust.

I signed up to lookaftermybills, a super-comparison web site which finds the cheapest electricity supplier for you, makes the switch for you from your current supplier without you having to raise a finger and, every subsequent year, repeats the process. A great idea. In theory. My problem was that, after the first year, the switch from Utility Point to Green Energy, the companies identified by the site, did not go smoothly. In fact it did not actually happen at all. And involved me doing all the communication. In the end I gave up on the process and renewed my contract with Utility Point.

Subsequently there were numerous hikes of the electricity price until I received the news that Utility Point had gone bust. Unexpected but not surprised. Yesterday Green Energy followed suit.

The regulator Ofgem has a protocol in place which deals with situations such as this and I am now back with French-owned EDF, which was my supplier before I got involved with lookaftermybills. Full circle. But, if Ofgem anticipated this happening (which they must have done to have established the scheme) why did they allow it happen?

These companies - there were at one point 99 of them, which the government defines as "a competitive market" - don't actually make any electricity, they just trade in it as a commodity: buy wholesale, sell retail, pocket the margin. Like all such markets, prices are volatile and if wholesale prices go up steeply, as gas prices have done recently (these companies typically supply gas and electricity) then a company can be in trouble. A "competitive market" essentially means a race to the bottom in prices to the customer, to get your share of the market (28 million domestic customers), because price is the only relevant determinant for the customer. Electricity is not like pizza, where quality matters as well as price. It's inevitable that this will lead to company failures.

I know full well the arguments against state control of utilities, because I grew up at a time when "nationalised" became a dirty word but privatisation of an essential national function always seemed illogical to me and it's now unarguable that the consequences can be negative. It seems likely that the 99 companies will in time be reduced to a small number, thus rolling back the whole process.

I'm happy to be back with EDF. I don't like them, don't dislike them, but if it stops me having to think about "what next?" and perhaps costs me a few pounds a month more than I could find elsewhere, I'll live with that. Cheapest is not always best.