Indian, Singaporean or Brazilian?

I woke up at 5am, went to the loo and checked my phone. My chess opponent had made a move. In the middle of the night? No, he's from Kazakhstan and it's 9am there. I go back to sleep and later - around 11am - make my move. I eventually checkmated him at 4pm Kazakh time.

I don't actually know whether he's from Kazakhstan, or even a 'he'. Here's his chess.com profile:

In common with many online games, you can select your own attributes to build your profile - choose your flag, upload a photo of your dog, whatever. For all I know I could have been playing a 10yo Swedish kid, although the time zone thing suggests his country may be correct.

Here's my profile:

Resplendent in my Ipswich Town gear, ready for the start of the new season on Friday. When I joined chess.com I didn't bother to set my profile so I had the default USA flag for a while. Didn't make me play any better,

I'm thinking of changing for a bit. This morning I watched  the fantastic ending to the England v India cricket series. When I was younger I followed cricket avidly but there was a period when the England team were a pretty unpleasant bunch of spoiled brats and the Australians were the world's leading sledgers and so I stopped. This test match has lasted four and a bit days and I switched on by accident - searching for something else- and I was gripped by a thrilling finish, which India won. That, combined with the fantastic results being posted by India's men and women chess players, makes me feel I should identify (we can all do that now, right?) as Indian for a while. Although I wouldn't be getting up at 5am to make a chess move. Maybe it'll confuse my opponents and I'll gain an edge.

But I'm also thinking about Brazilian. There's been a recent upsurge in my blog views from around the world:

I don't really know what this means. I suspect these aren't real people, since I've not received any Brazilian or Vietnamese comments, but even if they are bots scraping the web, why now and why Brazil? I tried to get some help from Google Analytics but - possibly because I've been nasty about Google recently - it was of no help. Nevertheless, I think I should perhaps identify as a Brazilian for a day - they did give us Pele, after all - to help the blog along.

There was a recent upsurge in "views" from Singapore, so maybe that should be an option. Although I'm a bit worried I might get deported if I'm no longer British. But a free flight to Bangalore wouldn't be bad, right? And the UK has a new trade deal with India, which includes visas, so I could probably get back in.

What do my regular contributors think - should I try Indian, Brazilian or Singaporean? I'm not really feeling English today, after the cricket.

Platform Zero

This really should be in my “things I didn’t know” series. I was on a train from Whitstable to London St Pancras and approaching Gravesend. The train announcer calls “passengers for ....[I don’t remember where] should proceed to platform zero”. I assumed I had mis-heard but 30 seconds later it was repeated and now I assumed it was a joke. Apparently not; such a thing exists. Here it is in action:

The station was upgraded in 2013 and an extra platform added. It's not a through platform, just a termination bay. The powers that be didn't want to upset existing passengers who were "used to" the current platform announcements: "the train at platform 2 is the 3:45 for Ramsgate...". Could you actually find me one passenger who cares about the numbering of platforms? In any case, why not call it platform 3? or X? Or Malcolm? And what happens when they need another one; will it be Platform Minus 1?

There are another eight platform zeroes in the UK; I'm not going to bore you with a full list, although I find it interesting that King's Cross has one; I've never seen it but then I haven't travelled through King's Cross since the 19th century. Isn't that where Harry Potter's platform is?

We Brits are so unimaginative. I bet there's no other country in the world that does this.

Wait... ChatGPT to the rescue; there are a few (Australia has two, one in Newcastle where my Son#1 lives and through which I have often travelled without noticing). She says "most countries just renumber the platforms when they build a new one. The UK, however, often avoids that because Brits will riot if you move their platform without warning." I like a bot with a sense of humour.

Oh My Eye

I'm back in Cornwall after a short break. It's the school holidays and the tourists are on their way so, naturally...

...the council are digging the roads up.

I'm not a student of local politics so I don't know if this is the county council, district council, parish council, town council or some sort of national or subnational highways agency but please guys, do this in the winter! Are you trying to scare the tourists off?

On my more disturbing news, the BBC tells me:

An eye clinic at a community health centre in Cornwall is to close.

The clinic at Wheal Northey in St Austell has treated many people with serious eye conditions across mid and north Cornwall, but treatment is moving to the Royal Cornwall Hospital, Treliske, near Truro.

All glaucoma patients who attended Wheal Northey are being told that treatment has moved to the Royal Cornwall Hospital, with the rest of the clinic's services understood to be transferring within the next few weeks.

This is a 5 minute walk from my house (was 4 minutes until I got old) and I have a regular macular degeneration clinic every seven or eight weeks, during which a nurse sticks a needle in my eye (I know, it's fun). Presumably that will be part of "the rest of the clinic's services" but I have no notification as yet.

The Royal Cornwall Hospital is 18 miles away and I may not drive until 4 hours after the injection so I will have a choice of getting someone to take me, getting two buses each way or sitting in the car park for 4 hours until I can see to drive. Not only that but the procedures at Treliske are antiquated and waiting times horrendous.

I actually have a regular six monthly glaucoma checkup clinic tomorrow, as it happens, but that has always been scheduled for Treliske and there are no anaesthetic drops so I can drive straight after.

If this report is accurate, it will take me back to the time when my wet macular degeneration was diagnosed some 10 years ago and I had to traipse halfway across the county every 4 weeks. It was a great relief when the clinic round the corner opened. Now it looks like we return to the bad old days. My next clinics are scheduled for 30 August and 13 October and the NHS app still shows them for Wheal Northey. 🤞

I am not amused.

Old enough to join the Army

Should 16 and 17 year olds be given the vote? "no taxation without representation", a phrase dating from the American Revolution, is part of a compelling argument. Angela Raynor in the Times makes the case that 16 year olds can work and pay taxes, serve their country in the military, vote in elections for the Scottish and Welsh parliaments and it's their futures that are most effected by the decisions of today's and tomorrow's politicians. It's hard to find anything to disagree with, although there will be some opposition parties who will resist it.

But, before I sign off for a week or so to take a bit of a vacation, I'd like to raise a question which I haven't seen anyone articulate: should there be a maximum age at which you are allowed to vote?

If you are a pensioner living on a state pension and (I think I'm correct) not paying tax on that, perhaps "no taxation without representation" works in reverse, i.e. no representation without taxation. Of course, these are people who have paid taxes throughout their lives and have earned some entitlements as a result, but isn't that a false equivalence? You've voted whilst you paid your taxes but now that you don't, should you cease doing so?

There will be those who say that we (I'm a pensioner, although I pay tax on my teacher's pension) have a wealth of life experience and are better able to decide the future of our country than a bunch of schoolkids with no such life experience. I find this (a) patronising (b) ignores the core argument that the future is theirs to decide on and (c) it's the oldies' votes that have given us Boris Johnson, Liz Truss, Brexit and an unsustainable triple lock on pensions whilst making it harder for young people to get onto the housing ladder by forcing them to pay for their university education.

The government is fond of "one in, one out" schemes so here's my proposal. Allow those of pensionable age to voluntarily opt out of voting on the basis of "pairing" with a 16yo, provided the latter is obliged to vote by law. One out, one in. The future belongs to the young. Count me in.

Anyway, that'll be it for at least 11 days while I travel to visit families and spoil my grandkids. Just thought I'd exit stage left with a bit of controversy.

Things I didn't know #5

Did you know the national anthem of the Netherlands is an acrostic? There are 15 verses, so don't tune in if they reach the World Cup final.

Taking the first letter of each verse in turn, you get Willem Van Nassov, an old spelling of William of Nassau, which is not in the Bahamas in this case but refers to - as we Brits would say - William of Orange. Nassau is where William was born in Germany.

The English translation of the first verse:

William of Nassau, am I, of German blood;

True to the fatherland, I remain till death.

A prince of Orange, I am, free and fearless.

The King of Spain I have always honoured.

When he was 11, William inherited the Principality of Orange so presumably it's the Low Countries to which "fatherland" refers rather than Germany. The bit about Spain is a bit disingenuous, since he led a Dutch revolt against the Spanish, starting in 1568 and lasting for eighty years until ending with the Treaty of Westphalia (no, I don't know where that is). Sadly William didn't last many of those years. He, a Protestant, was shot dead by a "Catholic zealot" (according to ChatGPT) in 1584, who earned himself a bounty of 25,000 crowns from Philip II of Spain.

So William was a polyglot but a hero to the modern day Dutch. Good job we don't have any foreign blood in our own UK royal family🤣

Got stuck in a lift

It's a classic pub conversation: who would/wouldn't you like to be stuck in a lift with? I've had my share of stuck lifts in my long life - who hasn't? - but I can't for the life of me recall any of my lift sharers. I was thinking this question the other day when I was watching Prime Minister's Questions and in particular trying to get to the bottom of who Kier Starmer is, what are his values and what is he for?

If I'm stuck in that lift with him, I'd have to try and come up with a question which requires a meaningful answer; I'm not prepared to accept some kind of recitation of the government's litany of brilliant initiatives, I need to know what he believes in. I actually think I wouldn't be able to get an answer, because he wouldn't regard me as an ordinary bloke but more likely someone trying to trick him. So it wouldn't be long before we resorted to the one subject he feels safe with: the Arsenal. We can mutually indulge our hopes and expectations for the coming season but I suspect that, if I ask whether we should sign the Brazilian Rodrygo from Real Madrid, he'd retreat into diplomatic mode: would he risk upsetting the Brazilians if he didn't think he was good enough for the Gunners (which is my view); or the Spanish if he thought Real Madrid were a fading force and so he'd be better off at the Emirates Stadium (ditto)? I think there'd be enough commonality though to while away an hour or two.

My mind drifted to Rishi Sunak. He has on a number of occasions claimed to support Southampton, the town of his birth and the club most recently relegated with one of the lowest points totals ever. Question #1: will you still go and watch them when they're in a lower league? Yep, I'm trying to trick him. But not so much as to ask him to name Southampton's leading goalscorer of all time; I'm not a bully. So I'd move on to chess. I recall he wanted everyone to learn chess to A Level and every school to have a Maths club. Or was it the other way round? Anyway, I'd want to know if he actually plays himself - I imagine he wouldn't have mentioned it if he didn't - and what's his rating? What's his username on chess.com and shall we play a game to while away the time? The (Evening?) Standard wrote in 2023 that Sunak is "also a keen player" after reporting that Rachel Reeves challenged him to a game. I've been unable to find any response from him, which frankly seems rude.

Which leads me to Reeves. We know she plays chess but, given she was a decent junior chess player (the case for "champion" is disputed), it's likely she's above my level. Even so, if the lift has wifi, I'd definitely challenge her to an online match. Although I'd probably let her win because..you know... I wouldn't want to upset her. I'm not sure we would have much else to talk about. I'd tell her to Keep Buggering On, Churchillian style. She's reported to be a supporter of Leeds United; her constituency is Leeds West And Pudsey, so that sounds a bit...convenient. Let's see if we see her in the crowd on match days now that they're back in the Premier League and on TV. 

I'd be quite entertained by Boris Johnson. I'm a proponent of infrastructure boosterism, always thought his idea for an airport by the Thames Estuary had a lot going for it. If he promised to get my St Austell to Istanbul railway built, I'd vote for him. Unlike the others, I don't think he'd regard me with suspicion and I suspect he wouldn't require much prompting to talk about whatever I asked of him. I might ask him to explain the rugby union offside law - he's definitely not a soccer man - but I'd probably be no clearer after he'd rambled his answer. Which I suspect would be "who cares? If the ball comes out of the scrum, I'm ready to pick it up and run with it". Really Boris, you still think that's possible? Stranger things.....

Who'd be your choice in the lift?