All things Cornish

Cornish pasties are overrated and unhealthy, in my humble opinion. If you want a tiny portion of meat mixed with soggy potatoes and wrapped in thick tough pastry, OK you're not a foodie. If you want fast food, get a cheese sandwich. less of a grind eating it.Years ago when Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne slapped 20% VAT on hot takeaway food, the pasty lobby geared up to oppose it, egged on by Greggs the bakers. the Sun ("Who VAT all the pies?") and the Cornish Pasty Association (what? are you making that up, Nigel?). Prime Minister David Cameron falsely claimed he had eaten a pasty (surely not, how plebby) in Leeds railway station. The shop had closed two years previously. When will Prime Ministers learn? On a par with Tony Blair claiming to be a Newcastle United supporter.

But I digress. The hooha caused Osborne to drop the proposal. Cornwall 1, Government 0.

Now the story gets ridiculous. The Cornish Pasty Association runs the World Pasty Championships, held at the Eden Centre. A hundred competitors from countries all over the white, English speaking world compete to eat the most pasties over a seven day period. Bakers compete to have their pasty recognised as the best. I'm sorry to say I couldn't find a list of recent winners for you.

Q. Where in Cornwall is the International Pasty Festival held?

A. Real del Monte in Mexico.

[Seriously? with all that delicious food, they eat pasties? Are they crazy? Ed: actually Mexicans have a reputation for being crazy]

Enough about that dreadful food.

Now Cornish cream teas are a different kettle of fish (I looked up the origin of that phrase but it is really uninteresting, on a level with a pasty, so I won't bore you with it). Freshly baked scones, strawberry jam and clotted cream on top. Also unhealthy but deliciously so. One of those a week is something I have missed in lockdown.

The local cheese here is Cornish Yarg. Made from the milk of Friesian cows (aren't they Danish?). I'm not a great fan of cheese and my knowledge of the comparative virtues of different cheeses is as minimal as my knowledge of red wines. All I know is, if  you want a decent, tasty cheese, there are lots much better than Yarg. It's one of those indigestible, rubbery cheeses like Edam, and is covered in nettles. Yep, really.

However, it doesn't make traveleering.com's list of the six worst cheeses in the world. Now those are definitely to be avoided.

Hevva buns (or "Heavy cake"), which originated in Cornwall, can also be delicious. I used to get them from Tesco with crystallised sugar on top, before I decided to watch the carbs.

Finally to the Cornish language. which was revived in the early 20th century after dying out in the 18th. Why? English not good enough? Do Cornish people share secrets that they don't want the rest of us to hear? I have lived in Cornwall for 16 years and have never heard anyone speak any Cornish. Maybe they all switch to English when they see me coming and back to Cornish behind my back. I only know one Cornish word (which begs the question: how do I know I haven't heard anyone speak Cornish?): Kernow. Which means Cornwall. There is a Cornish nationalist party (of course, where would be without the firebrands?) called Mebyon Kernow. Apparently Daphne di Maurier was a member. They campaign for devolved government - a Cornish Assembly - on a par with Wales.

I love Cornwall and it's great living here. I know I'm not a local, and will never be, but I can enjoy cream teas, hevva buns and ales from the St Austell brewery.