A Mr. Troy Deeney, another member of the Unit, tells our visibly-cowed Prime Minister that he must utter the phrase "Black Lives Matter" in his next speech. So Boris dutifully mutters "stay alert; black lives matter".
A peripheral player in the Unit, a Mr. Mesut Özil, tells the PM that Turkish president Erdogan must be exempt from quarantine rules, as he is arriving shortly to lend support to Özil's struggling Arsenal team. "Ah"says Johnson "that's easy; you'll have to talk to Priti". "Er, please no!" quivers Özil. "Dinna wurry" growls a voice from the other side of the room. It's the Unit's security chief, Professor Lord Sir Alex Ferguson. "Let me talk to her....I'll give her a Glasgae kiss..."
"Um, I don't think that's a good idea....Dom, Dom help me out here"cowers Johnson.
But Dom has been cornered by Ferguson's sidekick (and erstwhile sworn enemy, but we must do the Right Thing for the country [although it's not his country]) Mr. Roy Keane: "Tell me about this little trip you took..." he threatens.
His Holiness Mr. Gary Lineker, never one to be left out when there are brownie points to be had, says to everyone that the 1986 World Cup quarter final must be replayed, because an Argentine hero "scored" a goal with his hand. "Shut up Gary" says Deeney. And Rashford. And Unit sporting ethics expert Diego Maradona. Not Keane (Irish). Not Ferguson (fiery Scot). Definitely not Özil (wimp).
"This is getting silly" tweets Johnson. "You're not meant to have any power; I am!" He stiffens his sinews: "Cry God for Boris, England and Saint George! No more Argies: Brexit is Brexit! They will not have our fish!"
"Let's do a free trade deal, guys. You get football back on the telly and I get to disband you".
And that's (really) how it happened.
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