Cashing In

When I play (or played, as it hasn't happened for over a year obviously) poker in one of my local pubs, the monthly £10 freezeout is a big occasion. With ten players, the £60 first prize sets you up for ... well maybe not life but at least for a few pints (I don't drink zero alcohol on those occasions for fear of being mocked for unmanliness). Second gets £30, which is six Asda breakfasts and third gets his (always men dunno why) £10 back. Fourth place gets the same as tenth - nothing. However, tenth gets the benefit of going out earlier and thus having perhaps a couple of hours of value-added economic activity which gets one over on the  guy who struggles for that time and ends up losing £10.

My poker mentor - Son #2 Daniel - taught me that second place means nothing: if you come second you are a loser. Therefore the obvious strategy is to go hard and early with your poker aggression. If it doesn't work, you'll be able to indulge in the afore-mentioned value-added economic activity (and probably saves you £4.50 for the second pint you would have bought); if it does, you'll be able to cruise to victory.

In contrast, the Premier League is a no-lose league. With just tomorrow's final matches to go, Sheffield United will come last and pocket ... £125 million. I'm obviously playing the wrong sport; I should cash in my poker winnings and buy a Premier League club. Manchester United, a small provincial club of which even the most soccer-averse of you [yes that's you, MiceElf] may have heard, earned £161 million for coming second. You can see why the 'top six' clubs (a term invented by the richest six) want to have a bigger share of the pot and have on a number of occasions, most recently with the European Super League fiasco of an idea, presented propositions to enable that. Why would you spend £100 million on a top player and still, even if you come first in the league, earn only £38 million more than the club which finishes last?

Of course, Sheffield United will be relegated, so next year they will not get to share the Premier League's millions. But here's the thing - they get another prize: 'parachute payments'. Next season that will amount to around £40 million for them. This iniquitous system almost guarantees that they have a really good chance to get promoted straight away. The two clubs so far promoted from the second tier league - the ridiculously styled 'Championship' - Norwich and Watford - were the bottom two in the Premier League last year. Norwich, in fact, invented the ultimate cash cow: get promoted, spend no money on different players, get relegated, pocket your £125 million and £40 million [are you keeping up?], get promoted ... rinse and repeat.

Time to make the club go up
Time to shut the club down
....
Then we rinse and repeat
And it just goes on

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