News from the Front

Supplies report for St Austell on 29th September 2021

Petrol and diesel: ✅

The new Guinness Zero large advertising placard (Tesco) : ✅

Actual bottles/cans of Guinness Zero: ❌

CO_2: ✅ (based on a rum and raisin ice cream eaten in the cause of research)

Wind: ❌

Why wind? Apparently the immediate cause of the UK's current energy problems is a lack of wind. A few calm days and the UK has to fire up dirty coal power stations. In Monday's Times, respected (by me) columnist Edward Lucas wrote that "our current system depends too much on gas (vulnerable to supply shocks) and wind (vulnerable to the weather). This will get worse as we decommission our remaining coal and nuclear power plants." He goes on to propose investment in small nuclear reactors but surely we can find a way to generate more wind.

If the whole population of the UK were to be tasked to undertake a synchronized 'blow' - all of us blowing hard in the direction of the nearest wind farm - every day at 11:00 (just like people used to do to 'clap for the NHS') I'm pretty certain we could generate enough to power the country for the next 24 hours. With me? 1-2-3 blooooooooooooooooooow:

Imelda Marcos

When I played croquet, I used a mallet with a square brass head. As you can see

I use an asymmetric stance with a narrow gap between my feet, through which the mallet swings as I set up the rhythm for my stroke. Sometimes, if my swing is not smooth, the edge of the brass head clips my ankle bone. Which is extremely painful. So I bought a pair of high sided trainers to give protection.

I have a favourite pair of shoes. The most comfortable I have ever had. Leather soles and uppers. Had them for years. The only problem is that they leak in the rain. In those conditions I revert to a pair of suede shoes which are relatively comfortable but, with very hard, wide soles, are not good when driving.

I have another pair of suede shoes. Not only are these extremely smart but they are blue.

 

Because they have long, pointy toes they are very unsuitable for driving. They might get used once a year on average. So why did I buy them? It was a whim; I went into Clark's looking for something comfortable and everyday and came out with the opposite.

What else? Well sandals obviously, for those few days each year when I can wear shorts. I hate sandals and get mocked by some (unnamed) people for wearing socks with them. So I have to buy those horrid "no show" jogging socks. Having said that, it may be that wearing normal socks with sandals may no longer be a 'fashion faux pas' as Mr Wiki claims. glamour.com (obviously bookmarked by cool grandads) tells me that lockdown/quarantine has brought it back into trendy fashion. You wait long enough and your grandad's attire will be voguish, kids!

Also a regular pair of trainers. I like these but they suffer from the disadvantage of taking a considerable time to tie/untie the laces. Particularly time-consuming and awkward when you go into someone's house.

So that's me: six pairs. Not an excessive number, I'd say. Unlike Imelda Marcos who, in 1986 when her husband the Philippine President was ousted in a revolution, was found to have 3,000 pairs. Wikipedia reports that "She and her husband Ferdinand hold the Guinness World Record for the Greatest Robbery of a Government". But not for the most pairs of shoes; that record goes to one Darlene Flynn, an American with16,400 pairs.

I have some way to go to catch up.

See Oh Two

I have an A level in Chemistry, so I know all about carbon dioxide. Including the fact that, when dining in Charlestown recently, there were no desserts as "we can't make ice because we have no CO₂". Apparently we (the country; maybe the world) are suffering from a severe lack of carbon dioxide. This is definitely news to the climate, which is suffering because we have too much of it.

CO₂ is used in nuclear power stations, fizzy drinks, growing plants in greenhouses, stunning animals before slaughter, packaging food (extending shelf life by preventing bacteria), winemaking, as a refrigerant and for removing caffeine from coffee.

It's most commonly made as a by product of fertilizer manufacture and the UK government has given CF Fertilizers millions of pounds to restart its production, which had ceased because of the rise in wholesale gas prices.

According to the Brewers Association, "carbon dioxide quality is essential to finished beer quality, contributing to sensory outcomes, beer foam, mouthfeel, and shelf stability."

So please get this sorted - I need my beer, decaf coffee, ice cream and other sensory outcomes.

A Reward for your Loyalty

Buying my morning coffee in Asda, I was certain I had a 'free one' on my loyalty card. Searching in my wallet I found... my barber's card. Seven more haircuts and the following one is free!

Next came the card for No. 1 Cubs. Suppliers of Cornish coffee and clothing. They have a coffee stall, with rustic outdoor seating

and a clothing cabin, selling rather nice T shirts and the like, at picturesque Charlestown Harbour. The best loyalty offer yet - buy 6 get your 7th free! I have 2 stamps so far.

The Tea Room at the St Austell Garden Centre

provides the next two cards. One for hot drinks (6 stamps out of the 7 needed before a free decaf tea) and the other for cakes. Yippee! My next cake is free!

There's a queue behind me now. Finally, I find my Asda hot drink card. Only one stamp on it. Boo. Another 6 before I can claim the free one.

Perhaps I need a bigger wallet.

I think I'll save them all up and have a non-spending spree all in one day: breakfast coffee, mid morning coffee, haircut, tea and cake. What's not to like?

I guess you're thinking "why is he blathering on about his unexceptional life? And thinking we'll be engrossed?" The thing is, this is number 8 in the latest series of posts. Remember when you grumbled about me having 12 days off? This is your loyalty reward: read 7 and get one free!

Be careful what you wish for.

Broken markets

The electricity market place has sustained a bit of a collapse. I have first hand experience of two of the suppliers which have recently gone bust.

I signed up to lookaftermybills, a super-comparison web site which finds the cheapest electricity supplier for you, makes the switch for you from your current supplier without you having to raise a finger and, every subsequent year, repeats the process. A great idea. In theory. My problem was that, after the first year, the switch from Utility Point to Green Energy, the companies identified by the site, did not go smoothly. In fact it did not actually happen at all. And involved me doing all the communication. In the end I gave up on the process and renewed my contract with Utility Point.

Subsequently there were numerous hikes of the electricity price until I received the news that Utility Point had gone bust. Unexpected but not surprised. Yesterday Green Energy followed suit.

The regulator Ofgem has a protocol in place which deals with situations such as this and I am now back with French-owned EDF, which was my supplier before I got involved with lookaftermybills. Full circle. But, if Ofgem anticipated this happening (which they must have done to have established the scheme) why did they allow it happen?

These companies - there were at one point 99 of them, which the government defines as "a competitive market" - don't actually make any electricity, they just trade in it as a commodity: buy wholesale, sell retail, pocket the margin. Like all such markets, prices are volatile and if wholesale prices go up steeply, as gas prices have done recently (these companies typically supply gas and electricity) then a company can be in trouble. A "competitive market" essentially means a race to the bottom in prices to the customer, to get your share of the market (28 million domestic customers), because price is the only relevant determinant for the customer. Electricity is not like pizza, where quality matters as well as price. It's inevitable that this will lead to company failures.

I know full well the arguments against state control of utilities, because I grew up at a time when "nationalised" became a dirty word but privatisation of an essential national function always seemed illogical to me and it's now unarguable that the consequences can be negative. It seems likely that the 99 companies will in time be reduced to a small number, thus rolling back the whole process.

I'm happy to be back with EDF. I don't like them, don't dislike them, but if it stops me having to think about "what next?" and perhaps costs me a few pounds a month more than I could find elsewhere, I'll live with that. Cheapest is not always best.

The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker

Remember when the most respected people in your village were the schoolteacher, the bank manager, the doctor and the vicar?

Of course you don't. Those days are long gone.

Unless. You need to get a passport. In which case, you will need to find a person of repute, and who has by some means a knowledge of you, to countersign the form (Why is it "countersign"? Don't they just sign?).

The government tells us the person must work in (or be retired from) a 'recognised profession' or be ‘a person of good standing in their community’.

Recognised professions include:

• chiropodists but not osteopaths
• airline pilots but not bus drivers
• dentists but not doctors (unless you are a close friend)
• engineers but not scientists
• travel agents but not estate agents
• publicans but not restauranteurs
• journalists but not bloggers
• opticians but not audiologists
• MPs but not mayors

Does any of this make any sense whatsoever? Has anyone looked at this recently?

Also included: "president or secretary of a recognised organisation". I was for a number of years Secretary of Cornwall Croquet Club so, if you need a countersignatory for your passport application, I'm your man. Payment in bitcoin only.

Stockholm Syndrome

Netflix perhaps focuses on quantity above quality. Looking for a new TV series to watch, you have to wade your way through a great deal of dross before you come across a gem. Often you don't know that it's dross until somewhere in episode three and by then you may be so into the plot that you feel the need to find out how it finishes. You're hooked.

But then you come across a diamond, all sparkly, multifaceted and pure. I found one recently - Fauda - which I posted about before.

Now I have another, even better, even purer. Gold. An apt description because the plot of Money Heist is ... well, you can guess. A robbery, but not just a formulaic steal: a skillfully plotted plan where every detail, every setback is anticipated and avoided or dealt with. How do you steal 2 billion Euros from the Royal Mint of Spain? And stay alive so that you can spend it? 

This TV series is un-put-down-able. An excellent ensemble cast, great production values and a brilliant soundtrack. The episodes are grouped into five 'parts', which I suppose means overall we have a drama in five acts - even that has been plotted as a whole, an approach which is holistic and therefore satisfying. Season 1 had 15 episodes in two parts; season 2 16 episodes, parts 3 and 4. Season 3 is not yet complete but appears to comprise the final part of 10 episodes (currently 5 available; the remainder in December). It's a modern Ring Cycle.

I therefore can't tell you how it ends and I wouldn't want to anyway. Everything is cleverly done, the characters are richly developed with their back stories gradually unfolding using (easily recognisable and comprehensible) flashbacks and the tensions within the heist team and between them and their hostages (of course there are hostages) are thoughtful and rewarding. The inevitable Stockholm Syndrome has its place but is just one aspect of those relationships.

It's a Spanish production and presented with dubbing, which is done as well as can be.The show has won numerous awards. There's a strong element of post financial crisis rebellion against capitalism and subversive populism.

Want to see a hundred million Euros raining down on the citizens of Madrid from a couple of blimps? Want to know how empty the robbers feel, with too much money to spend and struggling to cope with a lack of action in their lives? Check it out.

Red Adair

Remember him? Red Adair was the guy you sent for if you needed urgent action. Putting out oil well fires.

He came to prominence in the public eye in the 1960s and 70s as someone who - with his team - capped burning oil wells, particularly (to British attention) in the North Sea. The "go-to" guy of the oil industry, even appearing in Kuwait after the first Gulf War at the age of 75, putting out the oil well fires set by the retreating Iraqi army.

Today's go-to guy, in UK politics at least, is Michael Gove. Need someone to run a difficult government department? He's your man. Even after shafting his boss (now the PM) in the leadership election following David Cameron's resignation. Gove, thought of as a reformer who can think 'outside the box', fought the teachers in the Education Department, got rid of Chris Grayling's harebrained scheme for book limits for prisoners at Justice, jointly 'won' the EU referendum and told us we can't buy petrol or diesel cars after 2040. And was mates with Dominic Cummings.

He now has a new department. Previously called the Housing, Communities and Local Government department, it's now the Levelling Up, Housing and Communities department - possibly a prime candidate as the worst ever departmental name. 370 years after the original Levellers movement in the English Civil War, we're all going to level up. I think that means we can all become Queen, run Asda or buy a Caribbean island.

What next for Michael? Could he become King? The monarchy surely needs his reforming zeal; they've definitely been down-levelling of late. As a mercenary, maybe he could have a go at leading the Labour Party. Level them up and they might win an election in time to welcome electric cars in 2040. Mostly I'm thinking of Ipswich Town, though. Football is littered with go-to managers such as Sam Allardyce, who is  the person of choice when  your team is stuck in the relegation zone. Could Gove level us up to the Premier League? A win-win for Ipswich and the country, perhaps. Yes please.

The Queen's Remembrancer

Master Barbara Fontaine is in fact a mistress. A female Master. As the Queen's Remembrancer, it's her job to review for the monarch the annual plans for new trees in the Forest of Dean. With me so far?

The post was created in 1154 by King Henry II and the first King's Remembrancer was Richard of Ilchester, a senior servant of the Crown and later Bishop of Winchester. The position is nowadays held by the Senior Master of the Queen's Bench Division of the High Court. A Master is a level of judge in the High Court whose decisions are of equal standing to that of a High Court judge at first instance. At first instance? Not sure what that means.

You'll be pleased to know that the Trial of the Pyx is a ceremony dating from 1249, formerly held in the Exchequer Court, now in Goldsmiths' Hall. The Queen's Remembrancer swears in a jury of 26 Goldsmiths who then count, weigh and otherwise measure a sample of 88,000 gold coins produced by the Royal Mint. Don't know what a Pyx is? Don't worry; like the Schleswig-Holstein Question, there are only three people who do.

Given these exotic responsibilities, Babs must regard her involvement with Prince Andrew as tawdry, degrading and unworthy of her attention.

My non UK readers will surely be thinking "what strange people those Brits are".

The World's Most Complicated Sport

I've blogged before about my experiences as a rugby teacher.

That's actually a bit of a stretch since, as a rookie music teacher at a private school, I and the rest of the staff had to take rugby on a Saturday afternoon. Very much the blind leading the blind. As I said at https://usedtobecroquetman.blogspot.com/2020/06/why-are-arsenal-so-toothless-football.html "Each autumn, the whole staff would gather just before the start of term to be addressed by the head of PE, who told us the latest changes to rugby's offside laws". I never understood the old laws, let alone the new ones. Even today, watching rugby is an impenetrable experience for me. I invite any lover of sport to explain the myriad laws on rucks, mauls and scrums (also previously blogged).,

Not just offside laws, as I discovered yesterday that the perennial changes continue to this present day. These are the new laws this season.

50-22

If a player kicks the ball from their own half and it bounces into touch within the opposition's 22, then the attacking team will receive a lineout.

Goalline drop-out

In the in-goal area, if the ball is held up, or there is an attacking knock-on, or a kick from the attacking team is grounded by the defending side, then play restarts with a goalline drop-out.

Pre-bound pods of players

Outlawing the practice of pods of three or more players being pre-bound before receiving the ball. The one-player latch is still permitted but he must now stay on his feet and enter through the gate.

Sanctioning the lower limb clearout

Penalising players who target/drop their weight on to the lower limbs of a jackaler.

Pods? Latch? Gate? Jackaler?

See what I mean?

Tolstoy, Woolf, Fitzgerald, Rachmaninov

It's been a while. Less than two weeks since I last wrote a blog post; honestly I didn't think anyone would notice. But an outcry from my readers has motivated me to get my head down. I used the excuse that "I am sitting in the middle of some workmen replacing a gas boiler and associated building works." Which is both true and stressful. And ongoing. Of course, the new football season has begun and the TV is getting my full attention. I've also developed am obsession with the Times Quick Cryptic Crossword; not the full Cryptic, I have yet to graduate to that. Most days I can complete it, although yesterday's was full of Dickensian references and I simply didn't know that "women's hats" referred to Dolly Varden, a character in Barnaby Rudge, whose name was used to characterise various items of fashionable female clothing in Victorian England.

Am I simply lacking motivation? I think not, except that lethargy brought on by an inability to find a way to expand items of news which I found interesting into full-blown essays. Here are some examples:

Scientists have concluded that a duck in Australia has learned to speak English. Addressing the scientist directly, the duck says "you bloody fool".

Speaks for itself. Which effectively stopped that potential blog post in its tracks.

Apparently all US states have official songs. For instance, Georgia's is ... obviously ... Ray Charles' Georgia on My Mind. New Jersey is the only exception because the Governor in 1972 vetoed the "I'm From New Jersey" proposal. I think he thought it was too prosaic. You can see a list of all the US state songs on Wikipedia. It lead me to wonder what song my English county - Cornwall - should adopt. And that's the point at which inspiration - and enthusiasm for the topic - ran out.

Maybe I have been suffering from some form of Writer's Block. Pretentiously putting me on a pedestal alongside the eponymous Leo, Virginia, Scottie and Sergei.

You may be pleased to know that I'm trying. Works on the subjects of the Canterbury and Whitstable Railway, replacement-level fertility, spoken poetry and pooh sticks are on the production line. Amongst other drafts in progress.

For the moment, though, there's footy on the telly.

Suburban wild life

Son #1 and his family live in suburban New South Wales, Australia. Which is obviously a scary place, by the look of this recent visitor:

It's a diamond python. Not poisonous, kills its prey (small lizards, birds, possums) by constriction and suffocation. From the look of it, scared out of its wits by young Australian children. Males twice as large as the females (the snake not the children), so we'd need another for comparison to discern this one's sex. I probably shouldn't scare my grandkids by saying that they (the snakes) typically lay 25 eggs at a time and are "known to occupy the roof space of suburban homes", according to Mr Wiki. Thank goodness they (the grandkids) don't read this blog.

Australia is home to around 100 species of poisonous snake and large numbers of very scary spiders, although only two of the latter - redbacks and funnel webs -  are potentially lethal to humans. Antivenoms are apparently widely available in this calm and peaceful country.

Just to prove this blog post hasn't been sponsored by Tourism Australia, I should mention the box jellyfish - danger rating 10/10 by australiangeographic.com.au - the honey bee (9/10), the bull shark and of course the infamous saltwater crocodile (only 8/10; they need to up their game). I encountered one of the latter in Alice Springs in 2007:

I was invited to feed Terry but decided to watch instead.

In contrast, in Cornwall we avoid the sea when the jellyfish and occasional (harmless, we are told) basking sharks are around, avoid bulls and rams in the mating season and generally curse the behaviour and noise of the seagulls. That's it. Thankfully.

Tagalog

Botham - we'll call him that rather than Sir Ian or, more recently, Lord Botham - has been appointed the UK's trade envoy to Australia. If anything is designed to get up the noses of the Aussies, it's shoving Botham down their throats. How this will influence the prospects of a free trade deal, who knows?

Trade envoys are parliamentarians - yes people, Botham is a member of our revered Upper House - appointed, unpaid, by the Prime Minister of the day. There are currently 36 trade envoys covering 76 countries/regions. Most of them - in fact, all of them other than Botham - are people you've never heard of. One imagines that they have some connection with, or experience of, their target territories. Richard Graham, MP for Gloucester, for instance, speaks Indonesian, Cantonese, Mandarin, Tagalog, French, Malay and Swahili; so a decent enough fit as trade envoy to the ASEAN Economic Community of Indonesia, Vietnam, Cambodia, Singapore, Malaysia, Brunei, Philippines, Laos, Myanmar, and Thailand. Not sure where they speak Tagalog; could it be a fictional language like Dothraki or Klingon? Nope, it's a Filipino language. I picked it up quite quickly:

The trade envoy programme only began in 2012. It's aims are to "support the drive for economic growth by building on the UK’s existing relations with these markets and maximising bilateral trade, thereby generating real and long term benefits for the UK." It's fair to assume there will be more trade envoys appointed in due course. If they follow the example of sending a cricketer to the country that he battered into submission with his determination, we might see the following:

Geoff Hurst (hat-trick in the World Cup Final victory over West Germany 1966) as envoy to Germany.

Andy Murray (beat Novak Djokovic to win Wimbledon singles final 2013) as envoy to Serbia.

Trina Gulliver (beat Francis Hoenselaar to win the darts world championships in 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006 and 2007) as envoy to The Netherlands.

Laura Davies (US Women's Open Golf champion 1987, beating Ayako Okamoto and JoAnne Carner) as envoy to Japan and the USA.

Stand by your phones, people!

Who's in my lift?

Tony (my friend of whom you will be aware) responds to discussions of political personalities (we have much such discourse) with a question about a lift: "who would I like to spend time with in a lift which has broken down?" [that "who" should probably technically be "whom"; maybe even "with whom would I like to" ...but it sounds so ugly and persnickety]. I generally play along with the game: Donald Trump NO, Boris Johnson YES, Prince William NO, Ed Sheeran YES, Greta Thunberg NO, Andy Murray YES. Those are mine, not Tony's.

We learned yesterday that Abba are releasing a new album, Yeh! Here's the second track:

I hope it makes Asda Radio in time for my breakfast on Saturday.

So here is the lift question for you guys: With whom would you most like to share a lift for ten minutes - the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Oasis or Abba? Let me know, with reasons.